Craft the World

Strength

2011-12-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

showing strength

knowing you can endure
having a gallant spirit
feeling an unshakable resolve
taking heart despite setbacks
having stamina
being a rock

being patient

dealing calmly with frustration
accepting others
taking time
maintaining composure
refusing to get angry
showing forbearance

being compassionate

giving others lots of space
tolerating
understanding what others are feeling
accepting
forgiving imperfection
being kind

achieving soft control

persuading
working with
guiding indirectly
being able to influence
tempering force with benevolence
demonstrating the strength of love

As twenty eleven enters its last act

2011-11-28T00:11:00.001-08:00

It's beautiful the way things can manifest and morph so easily and so quickly in a short amount of time, yet feel like that moment has always been there. I am realizing that I have learned so much in this past year, and more humbled by the fact that I don't really know anything at all truly.

City Studies

2011-09-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am in grad school.It's still kind of a trip that I am here, back in school, but with a whole new appreciation for it. The boundless opportunities I found at UC Irvine and didn't give a full jab at, now, seems like just practice. So much feels magnified, but maybe it's just the grad school curriculum, learning twice as much in half the time as undergrad. The act of meeting new people and making connections seems more purposeful this time around, and the jump start into getting involved on campus and mentoring under faculty is refreshing. I missed school. Work was great, but school is fantastic. I miss being surrounded by learning and breathing in education. The discussions in class I look forward to, and I'm much more cautious of the work I put out.

Nerding out? Yes, but I have no regrets doing so. Two years is not a lot of time to wonder. You barely have enough time to act.

I made a new site called City Studies to document my time through grad school in urban planning. Check out the site here and LIKE it on Facebook.

Maybe It Is

2011-09-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

Who knows, maybe it is.

(photo source - Post Secret... not in Turabian style citation)

Italian Fields of Gold - Part 2

2011-08-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Working hard for the honey.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

Italian Fields of Gold - Part 1

2011-08-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

We are so small yet lead lives more complicated than it needs to be. Breathe some good air.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

Food Crawler - Rome Eats

2011-08-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

Check out Food Crawler for more on what I ate in Rome, Italy. More.

Like Food Crawler on Facebook.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

Music Choice in a Year

2011-08-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Realized my taste in music has changed drastically in the last year. There has been a great shift from electronic to a sort of indie/house feel with an influence of electro. I remember being so into ATB, Benny Benassi, and the likes. Now - though I still am, I have calmed down in both the intensity and decibles.

And I love a surreal voice.

From rocking to the music to flowing with it.

Talked about Coachella yesterday with Kim Black. Miss it - and looking forward to the next one. :)

Since the Beginning of Time

2011-08-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of time, there were stories to be told.

And man created fire.

Drunk with knowledge.

Riding the high.

Illuminate the path.

Searching for the way.

Finding solace.

In a world of darkness.

Always in contemplation.

Since the beginning of time - you can see the spark.

Photos - nighttime in Pesscomagiore and L'Aquila. Summer of Italy, 2011.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

Running Time Capsule

2011-08-07T01:50:00.000-07:00

A quarter way into my run, I decided to turn off my iPod. Instead, I wanted to experience where I was and all the action around me. There are people to dodge and cars to avoid. One minute, I would smell something roasting in a Chinese restaurant, to the ginger that drifts out of an herb shop, to the smell of beer when someone crushes a beer can to recycle. This is the place where I have grown and developed, and yet, these small moments still amaze me. More.

Rome - Italy, pt 1.

2011-08-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

Posting some pictures of Rome when I was in Italy two weeks ago. Rome is such a beautiful city. In one place you can find ruins dating back thousands of years, marvelous marble statues, breathtaking public spaces, and little moments of Roma. The culture shock was an interesting experience - adjusting to customs and exploring a place where the dominant language isn't English. With the time I had in Rome - including the extra day when I missed my flight, I tried to see all the main sites as well as take the city slowly. Here are some of my shots, more to come.

Colosseum

Yeah, thought this was fun.

Archangel Michael

The Roman nightlife - centered around tables and conversation. I like.

Goes round and round.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

Trigger Happy Italy

2011-07-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Back from Italy, an amazing 2.5 weeks. Was a little trigger happy, but how can I not - with all the new beautiful things I am discovering in a lovely country. Italy was amazing - my favorite is to just walk the cobblestone streets, seeing plazas, fountains, and preserved archeological ruins at every corner. In Rome, people will build over ruins as long as they can still be accessible to the public. It's interesting to cramp so much into such a small space, and have a limit in height as nothing could be taller than St. Peter's Basilica.

Check out more photos on my Facebook:

| Rome Part 1 | Rome Part 2 |

| Pesscomaggiore Week 1 | Pesscomaggiore Weekend | Pesscomaggiore Week 2 |

For My Birthday - Please Donate!

2011-07-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, mentors, and colleagues,

For my Golden birthday I am asking in lieu of buying me booze, to donate to the Asian Pacific Community Fund. It is a non-profit that helps fund around 29 API agencies in the Greater LA area - touching on a various Asian communities and helping them provide services to the community, family, seniors, youth, the disenfranchised, and anyone who needs a lending hand.

You may make your gift here: http://wishes.causes.com/wishes/313496?bws=fb_event_description

I had my start in volunteering with the Asian Pacific Community Fund after I graduated college, and they hold a place in my heart and catalyzed my interest in working with volunteers and non-profits. I would love to see them get the funding they need to provide the vital resources for agencies to continue their good work.

Every donation you make will be matched by an anonymous donor, up to $25,000!

I ask you to donate, even if you feel that this non-profit doesn't directly impact you. We sometimes need to realize that 1) we often may not often recognize how fortunate we are to be in our current station in life and 2) there isn't so much as a "your" or "my" community, but a collage of "our" community that graces the fabric of how we all live and love together.

So please, donate to the Asian Pacific Community Fund. Thank you.

Jason Su

And...the Countdown

2011-06-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

19 days until my last day at work.
21 days until one year.
24 days until I leave for Italy.
43 days until my 25th birthday.
61 days until my orientation for San Jose State.

as of June 12, 2011.

Days Tick By

2011-06-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

As the days of going back into graduate school are counting down, I'm really going to miss this city, and all the people in it.

San Jose State University - Master in Urban Planning 2013 candidate.

Mops are for Cleaning

2011-05-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

I hate when it happens - moping. I really am my own worst critic. I need to learn to forgive myself first. Being alive, risking to grow, picking yourself up. Validating the wisdom that is so inherent in us all, I wonder why I get down on myself if there is no excuse to? Yet, why do I make mistakes if there is no excuse to?

Because, I'm human - and it takes work to be a good one.

Keep trucking little engine.

Foodie in Denial

2011-05-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

Carne Asada fries - Albatros, Lake Forest, CA

I love food!!!!!!
Check out my food blog: Food Crawler

Please Like on facebook.

Love is when you meet someone..

2011-04-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

who tells you something new about yourself.

And bananas are yellow.

382 Miles: To San Francisco

2011-04-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

Crawling through the night lights of San Francisco. I forget that this is a walking city.

382 miles from LA to SF. Still in California, but feels much further away.

Picture of a picture. Why was she filming us?

For the record, I did not go to a gentlemen's club.

Dazed cab ride.

Happy Easter, everyone.

In the Journey

2011-04-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

On the way back from Coachella, I saw these amazing windmills. On the way there, I fell asleep and it was night. The only thing on my mind was the celebration of the festival. Go big or go home.

The best day of the weekend for me was Sunday. Why? Because it was the one where I wasn't so concentrated on the partying. I took my time to explore and enjoy the sites. The Coachella lifestyle.

On the drive back, the sun was out. Saw these renewable energy sources and how beautiful the fields of windmills are. Can't believe I missed all that was there because I was so concentrated on the end goal.

There was so much more in the journey.

Trigger Happy

2011-04-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

So this is a picture of an orange. Why? Because this is the first picture I took with my Nikon D90 which I just got last Friday. Been trigger happy with my new camera, and tapping into photo edits more now, too.

Some interesting sites on photography.

| Digital Photography | Eric Kim Photography |

RIP D40, you have served well. Though I may resurrect you soon for Coachella.

Updated

2011-04-07T00:41:00.001-07:00

Enter here

2011-04-07T00:11:00.001-07:00

Photography Inspirations

2011-03-20T21:08:00.001-07:00

Had the greatest urge today to brave the rain and go into my backyard to take a picture of a peach tree we have. The cherry blossoms are always so beautiful, though I had to hurry with the pictures for fear of having my camera damaged by the rain.

Just want to mention my photography blog inspirations:

Love the pictures and perspectives. Thank you continuing to push me to take more pictures.

7 Points

2011-03-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

1. Passion and humor is everything.

2. I was able to look at someone and have my eyes water at their laughter.

3. A fear of mine is to become physically or mentally paralyzed.

4. I've lost touch with friends. I'm working on that.

5. Am I a cat person? I want to be a dog person, but cats are so much easier to take care of.

6. It's easy for me to forgive others, harder for me to forgive myself.

7. When I was younger, I imagined myself progressing much further in my life than where I am now, but now I realize I am exactly where I need to be, and what I've overcome is vastly greater then what I imagined I had to go through to get here.

A Prayer by Ash: An Embrace by Smoke

2011-02-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

Spark. I bring the flame to compressed dry aromatic plant material, a long stick attached to a red handle: incense. After a few tries, it finally catches flame. I rotate the incense between my index finger and thumb to have the temporary flare burn into an even ember.

Legs together, hands clamped, back straight. I bow once to start the prayer, then in silence, I pray. I’m not sure if you look at the idol or not, but I always find myself staring at the point of the incense. As I think and pray, I watch the ember eat the joss stick, seeing how much of the ash stays on before it drops. It takes about a minute to burn enough where the ash would drop. I stood immobile for three. More>>

Quickies

2010-12-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

Quick thoughts:

I am addicted to the counter feature on my MIRECHO website.

and taking in on all the struggles and growth this year.

Pushing to make next year better with everything I learned this year.

You learn a lot by engaging, but there's much you can only perceive through observing.

And I've gained 5 pounds during winter. Grizzle status.

A Little Late

2010-12-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

But Happy Holidays.

I wonder if KOST 103.5 is still playing holiday songs.

Land of Svithjod

2010-12-04T16:35:00.001-08:00

At least I know as I am writing my resume and statement of purpose for a Masters in Urban Planning that each time I come back to it, I know for sure this is what I want to do.

It's also a theme in other aspects of my life. Sometimes you just need to keep at it to know it's the right thing, and that it's all worth it.

Chip away, dear hummingbird. Sharpen your beak.

Point in Time

2010-12-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

This is me.
At 10:35 PM
Thursday, December 2, 2010.

24 years old.
Lots on my mind.
Inundation actually.
Deadlines coming
Roads building
Bridges burning
Tired of waiting for the light to guide me.

I am the goddamn light.

Sigh, I wish we took more pictures, instead of worrying how we look in them.
In the end, in that moment, how we look doesn't matter
but in that moment it's captured that we're there, together, happy

Work at 8:30 AM tomorrow.

Things

2010-11-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

I wish I could go out into the world
Armed with my camera and cheese sticks
To capture the small things
And hold them dear to my heart.

I wish to learn to ride a bike
And peddle through my lanes of memories,
When the trees would pane the beams
As the sun warms my back.

I wish for music that moves me
And not to sedate me.
I want to dance uncontrollably,
and forget counts, to follow muse.

I wish for little things,
Sharpened pencils and pens fill of ink.
A clean hair cut and a 5 o'clock shadow,
For dry socks, fixed glasses, a charged ipod, and smiles.

Simple things, little things; we seek and never come
It isn't until we move past them to realize how simple we have it now.

I wish for shoes with soles and no holes,
A warm cup of black coffee.
A pep in my step and an internal beat,
Every moment is simpler than the last.

A wise man left-
“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

Break

2010-11-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

6:30 am. Huntington Beach.
You truly can't deny the fact that everyday, literally, is new.
A gift, painted in infinite hues.
The night passes for dreams.
And you rest for your new day.

A trail of steps you leave your mark.
In time the winds will fade them.
Worn feet, cracked lips, and invigorated lungs; you continue.
No path is a path worth stopping,
So as long as you're walking for another day.

Let it carry you.

Postage

2010-10-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Jason,

So what happened? Remember when you believed in me? Remember when you would wake up early to peak into the hallway while everyone was sleeping? Remember when you dreamed?

So why did you stop believing in me? Because I wasn't that physical manifestation you always thought? That joy, hope, and merriment had to be associated with my hands, beard, and face? Why couldn't those ideals just stand on its own?

Just because I wasn't what you thought, it doesn't mean what I stand for isn't important, or invalid. You use to look to the sky in search. Now you just look over your shoulder in trepidation. Of me harming you? No. That in your mind, you might be wrong, and you can't look at yourself thinking that you lost that childhood glint.

Get lost in your imagination again. Drown yourself in hope. Keep wishing. No matter how old, you'll always have your perpetual curiosity. In all honesty, everyone's a kid; I've seen it all. It's just whether you embrace it, or live wondering what if.

Dive in, hope, dream, create, live, love, and spark. Everyone's a kid, always will be. Just because it's all in another form, doesn't mean you don't still believe. No one ever stops believing. Don't act like you don't expect me there when you look at a fireplace.

Love,
Santa

Hot Day for a Festival

2010-10-04T23:12:00.000-07:00

Vision finder on a Sunday afternoon (via Blackberry camera)

Sunset, Los Angeles

2010-10-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

Taking a new perspective on a typical drive home.

Blink

2010-09-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am having this odd sense of positivity right now.

I do have to admit, there's a lot going sour in my life, it's like a little bit of every part is dishing it good to me right now. So why am I sitting in my neighborhood Starbucks, after receiving a disgruntled phone call, that I'm bobbing to the funky soft rock and feeling like everything will be alright? No idea.

But I'll relish this moment. This, too shall pass. So if it's good, savor it, if it's bad, know that it will pass.

Eating Chinese food at Starbucks. No class and all garlic. Awesome.

Candlelight

2010-09-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

My instinct is to be the victim, but in this case, I wasn't. I caused this catastrophe and I thought a simple confession would warrant a band-aid and an OK kiss on the cheek. That would be too easy, and that's something I don't deserve. I totally failed in everything I thought I could uphold myself up to.

I don't know what I deserve now, if I can't even keep the good things in my life. I've done all this before, and failed so many times. For a person who fears failure and disappointment, I'm sure good at it.

Every remark hurts, I feel the venom in the bite, knowing that no amount of poison would be enough. After the initial bite, the worst comes after when the venom sets. I don't want to play this suffering as noble, because it isn't; it doesn't achieve anything and only perpetuates the spiral that I've been trying so hard to scrap out of. You need the venom for the antidote, I just need to keep saying that to myself.

I told you because I wanted to be truthful. I didn't want to hide anything more and I wanted us to be as legitimate as possible. So much of my life isn't legitimate and that's how I've grown up. I knew you were unique, special, once in a lifetime, and I can't blame my actions or past habits because I did you wrong. Sounds so hypocritical now reading it out after, but I wanted to prove to you that I trusted you, that I wanted this to be a serious thing, so I did something very out of my character, I manned up.

And now I'm sitting in a place I've never been to before, and searching for a direction to go. What's the next logical step? Why does everything have to be logical. I need a shoulder to lean on, a lap to lay on, or just an ear to hear me out. And the person who was that I've failed. I've never been this alone before.

It's over 100 degrees and I feel cold, and whatever I'm feeling you're feeling many times worse.

I can't and I won't let this end this way. It won't end, I promise. I'll earn back your trust and your faith. I will show you the person you saw in me, and I'll help you rediscover what I've seen in you this whole time: that your kindness is your biggest strength, that you have an amazing way in connecting and easing people, that you've gone through so much in your life already and you're on the path on being the person you were meant to be, that I am so incredibly proud of you, that I have faith we can get through this if we still want it.

I'm tired of balancing my tears on my eyelids, and checking my phone to see if the text I sent was a hit or miss, always being afraid of the worst and desperately hoping for the best. But even though I'm tired, I'm more motivated than ever: to work for it and to reap it, to watch over it and hopefully see it grow. I know I will because I have to and want to. I truly do.

Well, it's time to dance.

Sunday Part One

2010-09-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

That afternoon, the sun glared behind the dense overcast, the reflected yellow hues like the light a doctor shines when performing surgery. Driving on the freeway, set my gaze out the window. Seeing the green exit signs and obligatory beat up Camry's fly by, I was struck by an unstoppable tear leaking from my eye. I kept my gaze outward, just to hide that one sliver of emotion, realizing my pride isn't ready to give yet.

I said I didn't want to talk, but I still wanted to hear.

As we pass by the place I wanted to go for carne asada tacos, we made our trek up a familiar but new place. I've only seen it in movies and on television, passing the park and the Greek theater. I just wanted a squeeze, palms locked, the reprising response of acknowledgement without the weight of a structured dialogue, to know that when I couldn't contain myself, someone else could: that when I was losing control, one aspect of the chaos can still be a rock. I squeezed, and it was disinterested.

Scattered were the rocks on the hike toward the Griffith Observatory, shifting through the pieces with my beaten gray Vans, trying not to act like being 2 feet from a 40 foot drop bothered me. The tenacity to lead wasn't with me at that moment, but neither was the shadowing. That haunting feeling of being left in the dust arrived, and I wondered if I should be prideful again, and act like I purposely stopped or led just so I wouldn't feel like someone was walking away. I decided to take a picture, as a good compromise of such. At least a photographer can always hide behind his camera. Power seized again.

Stepping down is easier than climbing up, and my tactics have altered so. To relinquish rather than coy, to attempt that self-improvement jargon of choosing your attitude. Rubbish, really; but there really wasn't anything else I could do.

Happiness was manufactured, and the conversations were light-hearted and sterile. I knew it was I who set the tone to what would have been an otherwise laugh filled afternoon, yet with the sun setting on the city of angels, I became even more disenfranchised that I couldn't provide the proper mood befitting of the backdrop, furthering the embers of doubt that I just couldn't get past my mental moat to be in the moment I desperately wished someone would lift me to, when I was to tired to lift myself. Why was I so tired. Dreamlessly tired.

And then I was lying on a pile of ants, literally.

Glad

2010-08-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

I am glad to know that life is still teaching me lessons,
That I still have the ability to surprise myself,
And that my life isn't perfect.

I am thankful to realize that everything is and forever will be a work in progress,
And that the journey means more than the destination.
I am lucky to have many "firsts" still happen in life,
And that human beings are perpetually curious creatures.

I appreciate that I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.
I just have to be honest and open with others and myself.
Trying to balance ambition with appreciation,
And realizing life isn't something you cannot anticipate, analyze, and expect.

I am glad that I am here, with my specific strengths and weaknesses,
And that this is the place and time where I need to be.

Glad.

The MIRECHO Project

2010-08-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

It's been an intense journey so far starting my website. If you're wondering how and why I wanted to do this, here's the story.

The idea of it came in April of 2009 when I was figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I thought about interviewing people and recording their stories, used as a reference place for people, a snap shot of that moment in life. However, being a coordinator for SPOP soon became my summer and I had to put on hold that idea.

In October, I was in the back seat of a car with my parents, in the middle of China. We had just finished eating dinner, and as I was jolting around in the back, the idea for the site came back, stronger than before. I went to my room and jotted ideas down, to the point where I had an idea of what I wanted the website to look like. Alas, I came back to America and started looking for a job, thus again, postponing the idea.

In May of 2010, I was at work. It was a slow day, and again, out of nowhere, the idea struck me. It more destroyed me, and became an obsession. Finally listening to my gut, I started the website in June. That is the story of how it came to be.

So far I've been learning a lot, about others, myself, running something, and the value of tenacity and just keeping on trucking. I'm glad that people are sharing in my vision, and that the response is positive. I am pretty thankful thus far and do hope to continue going with this. It's really like a baby to me now.

...and presenting the MIRECHO project

Small Pleasures

2010-07-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

This really came at a good time, as I was trying to figure and fight a lot against what was flowing.

Taking rest and pleasure in small moments. Relief

Thanks Carlos for sending me this video.

Salutations to Creative Destruction

2010-07-13T01:06:00.001-07:00

One of the scariest things I have come to terms with is the potential of the human spirit. Realizing that you have the capacity to cause so much fear, destruction, and hate; well, it's knowing you have the ability to end it all right there.

It's scary knowing you can change the world, that you have the absolute possibility for infamy. You also have the possibility of surrendering that ability, and having to come to terms with that is unsettling.

What's even scarier is knowing that having the capacity to hate so much also means you have the ability to love so strongly. Following your passions and meeting people who spur them, you start seeing how powerful you can be, to the point where it makes you feel vulnerable. The potential to destroy is only trumped by the potential to create.

I am realizing that in where I am at in my life, I have become the poster boy for Capitalism, and the fallacy of ambition.

Sweet

2010-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it but living at home is breaking my spirit...

Red Eyes

2010-07-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

There is a boy with red eyes who paints, in his dark room with one florescent light.
His legs crossed, as he sits hunched over.
The pallets have been blended over time, meshed with practice and character
He paints his canvas with his soul. With each stroke he mars the clean canvas.

The boy with red eyes who paints in the dark room

His hands are calloused and worn, and cracks where creases should be.

Creases where none ought be.

He has a cough too severe. Hacking.

And none stops him from painting, the workpiece with his dreams.

This eyes, crimson panels into his world.

Windows he's carried with him, windows that witnessed.

His eyes flooded, red. His eyes, edging, drowning.

The inks dry.

His brushes are collected, his paints stashed away.

The painter boy with no paint.

Just his canvas, and yet he continues

Brush fed by his red eyes

Jasmine Song

2010-05-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

For work at my internship with the Alzheimer’s Association I attended a special lecture by Naomi Feil on Validation techniques. Hearing how all the other professionals in the elder care field speak of her with such reverence, some even stating that Naomi wrote the textbooks they studied, I was intrigued. Nonetheless, the lecture was truly mind blowing. I wish someone recorded it because in that sitting I learned so much about how our mind works, even when we start losing it.

One of the things mentioned was how people, when they age, will seem to be able to remember all the memories of their childhood. Music and song play a huge role, thus you can peak someone’s attention if you sing a childhood song or religious hymn others recognize. I mean, you grew up hearing it from your parents, of course you’ll remember.

I started thinking about my songs and the songs of my parents. Since my parents always spoke to me in Chinese, my songs were Chinese. I would remember my mom or grandmother singing these songs though, sadly, I don’t remember any of the songs itself.

I guess that’s always a struggle for those who are second generation immigrant-Americans, having the duality of two languages, but with the tendency that your first tongue slowly diminishes.

For some reason, I can recall watching the Athens Olympic Passdown to China. The scene I remember is the end, where after all the flashy tricks and performers were done, you see a lone little girl with pig-tails and a pink school uniform, and holding a lantern. For the longest time I didn’t know the name of the song, but because I recognized how the song was sung, I knew it was one of my songs, the one shared with my parents, grandparents, and so on.

For dinner one night, my parents and I went out to get sushi. After initital quietness from everyone ordering food and waiting for it to come, to the vibrational conversations that followed when food was there, I asked about if they would remember the same Passdown. The song is akin to “London Bridge” but with a rustic, less disaster-prone melody to it. “Jasmine” is an old Chinese folk song that pretty much every child in China would know by heart. Finally, I learned the name of the song.

It really did feel like finding a 20-dollar bill in your pants after you forgot. But instead of $20, it’s like a thousand.

time capsuled letter

2010-05-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

In the midst of writing a bunch of letters to some friends outside Southern California, some abroad teaching English to another country, I found some old letters I use to write to my fifth grade teacher. After some extra research, I found the address. I'm not sure what drove me to do so, but I figured I have nothing to lose except for 44 cents.

Dear Mrs. Chieuchin,
Hi! You may not remember me, but you were my teacher in 5th grade of St. Stephens. I think its been over 13 years ago now. It’s me, Jason Su.

How’ve you been all these years? I was cleaning out my room and came across some letters you wrote stashed away. I’m definitely just shooting this letter out to see what happens. Well, to let you know, I graduated college! Thank you for being one of my first supporters and mentors in my educational development. I am interning right now at the Alzheimer’s Association, Orange County Chapter. It’s great there, I’m learning a lot about non-profits and public health. You know what’s funny? My boss and co-workers are so surprised that I know calligraphy since I write a lot of birthday and thank you cards to community members and elected officials, and I learned that from you! I’m studying for my GREs now, hoping to get a Masters in Public Administration soon. Wish me luck, it’s in 2 months.

I’ve grown a lot in this past decade. I’ve really opened up in college and was able to have many life-changing experiences. Of course, who doesn’t grow after 13 years, but when I think about how I was in grade school, I just wasn’t sure of myself and my capabilities back then. Growing pains, I guess.

So, how are things with you? Are you still a teacher? If so, where? Any milestones in your life? How’s Matthew and Max? Did you have more kids? In my stash of old letters I found a picture of them, but I think Matthew was 6 and Max was just a baby. They must be in high school or college now. I wonder what they look like all grown up.

How have your years been? Hopefully more good than bad. Working on anything specially personally? Hobbies? Projects? Travel? Did you ever go back to school yourself?

Wow, this letter sounds like I’m writing to a past self. I was definitely reflecting on my own life as I tried to recap over a decade’s worth of experiences. Life’s funny how I found your letters recently, and a bit before that, I received a message from my St. Stephens classmates on a 10 year reunion. Surreal.

I do hope this letter finds you well. I still have memories of that year and they were great times. I really do hope you’re doing well now and everything you’ve dreamed came true. I hope you are living a wonderful life though I’m certain you are.

Hope to hear from you soon,
Jason Su

P.S. Since there’s 13 years of technological advances now, you can email me.

I watched a movie called Waking Life with Jamie and Aubrey the past night. It themed around reality, dreams, and its instances that make existence life. That moment right there, I couldn't explain. Much like that moment when I came to the discovery of the letter and decision to write it, something about being in that moment in doing something you don't normally do and having that experience teach you so much, that is what I strive to experience more. I think I'm getting more in-tuned with what my heart and the universe is telling me. Not to sound like a new-age hippie, though there is nothing wrong with that, but these small instances are bringing me some peace of mind that I've craved.

Update: I received an email from Mr. Chieuchin informing me of the passing of Mrs. Chieuchin a couple years ago. She was a great mother, wife, and teacher and my heart goes out to the family who are still mourning her passing. We miss you.

say hello

2010-05-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

Inspired by what Peter did about Kid Cudi, there’s something about music you have forgotten and rediscover. While I was finishing up work, I decided to turn on Pandora, something I haven’t done since I graduated college a year ago.

Say Hello, by Deep Dish, came on the Kaskade playlist and it sparked reminiscing. This song was one of the first songs I got into in the electro scene, it was really the first song to blow my mind, and even now, when the scene is slowly getting mainstreamed, this still stands strong on its own.

I love the feeling of rediscovering music.

Here's some blog posts I did for Akufuncture. Show some love. They're good posts, I promise:

Life Update

2010-05-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my teammate: Kiersten Brown, I wanted to throw a post on my updates in life.

1. Work
Alzheimer's Association. It's been going. Things have slowed down since Sacramento, but it's not without its projects.
Akufuncture. Things have slowed down since the sponsorship deals, club events, and the release of the Akufuncture Blog, which I now also write for.

2. Dance
Well, I'm taking a break from dancing with Beat Jerkeez. Actually, they don't really know yet, except the coordinators, but I need to focus on studying for GREs and my personal projects as of now. I wanted to wait until after the competition season and now that it's over, I am parlaying my efforts to other endeavors for a while. I'll still be dancing with Movement Project in mid-June though, but that's just because their time commitment is more flexible.

3. Studying
To be truthful, I haven't really started. I don't even really know what I need to do to start studying for GREs. The whole process just seems so intimidating. Haha. July 17th. Begin the countdown.

4. Volunteering
Because of GREs and my personal projects, I will have to cut down on this as well. I'm asking the volunteer remotely, as I am realizing the time and cost it takes to get there is also an issue.

5. Personal Projects
There's three things I want to get done.

Personal website
I've been thinking of moving my blog out of blogspot and onto it's own site now. Since its inception, it has developed a life of its own. I am very thankful for everyone who's read it and it means a lot. Now I want to find a way to make it more inclusive with everything I want to include.
Interview Website
This has also been in the works since my last year of college. I've discussed this idea with my friend and fellow Royal year coordinator, Brandon Kwong, on a site that will give people starting their career track insight from people who have already been there. This has been marinating even more after discovering my friend Hannah Johnson will soon be on Roadtrip Nation, being in a mentorship program through APEX, and just being at that stage in my life
Choreography Collection
I've been having trouble with choreography when I want to choreograph for Beat Jerkeez. The premise of having to choreograph for a set when uninspired to do so just doesn't jolt for me. But I want to choreograph and am now considering just filming pieces I make for my own records, and to get comments/critiques about it.

6. Health
Trying to keep a regualr workout regiment and to quit smoking this week. Wish me luck!

Read another update from Diana Hyunh and Matty Espino on their times in Korea. I wish I was able to still do so, but life has its own intentions with my life. http://anteaterinkorea.blogspot.com/

Corporate Free Spirit

2010-05-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am involved with an organization called APEX as a mentee in their mentorship program (AMP) which links someone getting into the workforce with someone who's been in the field for a while. The experience itself is great, though definitely different. There is such a stress on networking, something I never really understood.

How does networking work if you're trying to meet someone to gain something or if someone is talking to you knowing that they want to gain access to your network? It just seems...superficial. Nonetheless, there are pluses to the experience. In reality, I don't even try to network, I just try to make friends.

I wonder if I'm cut out for the working world. Though the experience and skills I am acquiring are priceless, I just wonder if this is my lifestyle. I was talking to Grace Hsiang at the most recent APEX event I attended, who recognized me as the blog that comments on 12FV (haha) and she was saying how she commonly gets mixed up with my friend, Hannah Johnson, though she has gone the corporate route while Hannah went otherwise.

Now that got me thinking, am I corporate? am i a free spirit? Can I be both? Or am I doomed to struggle between the balance and ever being able to enjoy the fruits of either. I guess it's my curse for being the Jack-of-all-Trades.

Always with the commitment issues.

I'm realizing the counter-philosophies I've learned in college and SPOP, of taking things as they come and being in the present, with the requirements of work and my own personal goals, having to plan and prepare for the future, and colliding on a tectonic scale. It just seems like I'm just trying to balance myself on the tip and all the while keep myself from getting crushed.

I think I just have to figure this out.

Which reminds me, I should really ask my APEX mentor. His name is Hoa Troung, and he's been in both the business field and the non-profit field, so it's great seeing where someone can be with both experiences. I should really get some light on this: ambitious idealistic urban hippie trying to make it in the world on his own set of values, heresy or prophecy?

My life sounds like a premise for a television show.

Short

2010-05-06T18:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I forget I live in LA

Forward

2010-04-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

I remember during my interview for returner for SPOP I was asked what I would do if I had a million dollars. My answer: pay it forward.

I would like to pride myself on the fact that I try to pay it forward when I can, but it wasn't until fairly recently that I discovered paying it forward requires you to be paid as well.

What I'm trying to get at now is that I've never really been good at asking for help, or accepting it. I thought it would be greedy and selfish, an abuse of power, so to say. But as time passes, I realize sometimes the best thing you can offer someone is your gratitude.

I'm shifting to a life based on an exchange system, merchantilism without the exploitation. Relationships, with meaning, are like a muscle, with a push and a pull to make stronger. There is no doubt that I'll give the clothes off my back for a friend. In fact, I've literally done so on multiple occasions. But as I see more of the "real world" and the pseudo-independence people try to preserve, I wonder how can you not embrace the beauty of interdependent-ness. People always say they want to help people when they grow up. Well, the opportunity is right there.

Marauder in a White Mercedes

2010-04-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

I often get the feeling that someone is behind me. A few weeks ago, I was racing down the 5 freeway trying to get to Wayzgoose at UC Irvine when i saw a car that looked just like mine following me. I didn't try to avoid it, I just observed it follow the path I was following, doing the same turns, the same actions I am. It was like staring into the 4th dimension. The face of the person was blocked and thus, I imagined it had to be me, for if I was following myself, I would hide my face.

The image of this specter followed me in through the night. As I was returning home from clubbing, I saw another car, just like mine, following me; face hidden in the shade. Why do these images follow me? Am I picked out, pinpointed, cursed even?

A few days ago I read a line in an article of someone committing suicide. The first thought was that this person was me, and that I am reading my own obituary. Nerves ran across my body. The hair on my neck stood up and still.

It is not unusual for me to picture myself apart from myself. It is vivid how well I can see myself from behind me.

As I was driving down the 5 freeway and came across this phantom in a white Mercedes, I couldn't help that, after the initial shock, I was relieved. It felt like a guardian angel, of myself in the image of myself, following me and watching. These flashes of 4th dimensional perceptions no longer scare me. I am my own guardian angel out to protect me. And I'm honored, blessed.

Musiiiik

2010-04-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

Music can do some amazing things, bring joy, stir up emotions, give bursts of energy, and give a theme to life. It can bring back memories, make you smile, and have you forget about everything else in those few minutes. Music is the beat which life pumps.

In the latter half of my life, music has played a greater role in my life. It has segwayed me to new art forms and be able appreciate the vibrations of a voice or drum. To feel the body reverberate, imagine colors be painted in the air, and to let the baseline take over you, music blends that line of sopistication and savageness, the perpetrator of both.

I don't know how to play an instrument and I'm recently learning to play for an acting role in my friend's film. As a kid, I detested music lessons, finding any sort of excuse not o go, whether it was true distain or social awkwardness, I don't know, though I imagine a bit of both.

As I played the chords for the first time, I was in awe of how every note has a proper placement. Playing the piano (what I'm learning to play right now) made me realize how beautifully constructed and thought out instruments are. And as I played, thinking about the character playing it, I started getting overwhelmed by the fact that my body is producing music, falling joyously into the harmony of its natural ratios.

I couldn't get enough of it. It's like crack, but better, and no drip.

I understand how artists and musicians and zone out into the music, performing so hard their muscles shiver and their eyes roll back. Music really is the tamer and instigator of the masses, and the brainwashing feels fabulous.

A Lumbering Old Fool

2010-04-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

I am helping my friend, Roxy, with her senior film project...as an actor in her film. The main character in fact. And to tell you the truth, I'm terrified.

Petrified. I haven't acted in 5 years. Last time I did was freshman year of college where I played an old Japanese man. Before that, I happened to have acted in high school, but nonetheless, it's nerve-racking.

I feel rusty.

Acting is amazing. I love it. It takes so much to do it: you need to analyze the character, their history and their reasoning, you have to have control of your body and act as if you are someone else, you have to memorize and practice and repeat over and over an instant that is suppose to be random, spontaneous, and emotional. It allows you to dig through your own experiences, to live up to it, and to use it as a channel of expression. I think I've had a place for acting since I first started. It has similarities to dancing, where the choreography of one medium is the script of another, but having your body as well as your face, voice, and conviction, that is something special.

Diving into something like this can bring out the insecurities in me. Thinking of what my friend will say when she finally sees me in action, or what her crew members or say, people who have worked with actors and drama majors, and here comes me, some guy who's friends with the director.

It's proving to be motivation as well. Wish me luck.

The Problems of Your Neighbour

2010-04-17T00:59:00.001-07:00

When you think you have it, look at it again, critically.

There was once a well-known scholar, who lived in a mountain in the Himalayas. Tired of living with men, he had chosen a simple life and spent most of his time meditating.

His fame, however, was so great that people were willing to walk narrow paths, climb steep hills, swim rivers – to meet the holy man who was believed to be able to resolve any trouble of the human heart.

The wise man, as he was full of compassion, gave some advice here and there, but kept trying to get rid of unwanted visitors. Still, they appeared in larger groups, and once a day a crowd knocked on his door, saying that great stories about him were published in their local newspaper and that everyone was sure he knew how to overcome the difficulties of their lives.

The wise man said nothing but asked them to sit and wait. Three days passed, and more people arrived. When there was no room for anyone else, he addressed the people who were outside his door.

“Today I will give the answer that everyone wants. But you must promise that, to have your problems solved, you will not tell the new pilgrims that I moved here – so that you can continue to live in the solitude you so much crave. Men and women have made a sacred oath that if the wise fulfilled their promises, they would not let any more pilgrims climb the mountain.”

“Tell me your problems,” said the sage.

Someone began to speak, but was soon interrupted by others, as everyone knew that this was the last public hearing that the holy man was giving, and they feared that he wouldn’t have the time to listen to all of them. Minutes later, confusion was created, many voices were shouting at the same time, people were crying, men and women were tearing their hair out in despair because it was impossible to hear.

The wise man let the situation be prolonged a little, until he cried, “Silence!”

The crowd fell silent immediately.

“Write your problems down and put the papers in front of me,” he said.

When everyone finished, the wise man mixed all the papers in a basket, then said, “Keep this basket moving amongst you. Each of you will take a paper, and read it. You will then choose whether to keep your problems, or take the one given to you.”

Each person took a sheet of paper, read it, and was horrified. They concluded that what they had written, however bad it was, was not as serious as what ailed his neighbor. Two hours later, they exchanged papers amongst themselves, and each one had to put their personal problems back into his or her pocket, relieved that their distress was not as hard as they once thought.

Grateful for the lesson, they went down the mountain with the certainty that they were happier than all the others, and – fulfilling the promise made – never let anyone disturb the peace of the holy man.

Found on the blog of one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist.

The grass is greener on the other side.

Un Jellyfish in the Water

2010-04-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

Thursday 4.15.10

I've taken to a sort of habit in wandering. Whether it's to physically wander or to let my mind drift, I try to let myself get intuned with whatever is the more prominent driving force guiding me.

It started with my desire to buy new shoes, thus prompting me to go to South Coast Plaza after work. Since I don't frequent that area, I didn't really know which shops were where. So I started walking. I pretty much walked the entire place until I found a store that had Vans. While buying my shoes, I had a great conversation with the sales associate about dancing and raves, which tripped me out as they are big influences of mine.

I walked by American Eagle and knew one of my friends works at one, so I texted her wondering if it was the one in that mall. It wasn't. Eventually the conversation went to one about housing, relationships, a future life, kids, family, career, everything. It really was a random tangent.

I stopped by my friend/co-worker's place to get my Akufuncture shirt and wish her a happy birthday. We started to discuss work and said things that came into fruition a few days later. Strange.

I went to drop off a graduation gown to a fellow the only Royal Year SPOP Coordinator still in school, Joanne, who's borrowing it form the only Royal Year SPOP Coordinator not in Southern California, Sarah. Originally, I was just going to drop it off and head to practice, but decided to stay thanks to the interception of Melody on the way there. It turned out to be a great time of catching up and watching David Blaine youtube videos. Much better than just making a drop-off.

Went to practice and started having an anxiety attack, from no apparent source. Started dancing and everything felt better. Surprisingly, A LOT better.

While driving home after practice one of the freeways was closed. I was driving back and forth for over 20 minutes before I decided to head back and take a furhter alternative path. There were no detour signs and I was getting so frustrated, until I saw the cityscape of Los Angeles at night. And it was so beautiful.

All in the day. All in the hours. All in a strange cataclismic moment of changing chance.

An Old Lady Speaks

2010-04-16T02:13:00.000-07:00

This was read to me during one of the Americorp trainings I had to go through while working with WeCare, a division who serves the elders. It is one of the most moving and eye-opening thing's read to me, and I never realized the account to which we treat our elders. I've had a sort of understanding of what it takes to be socially conscious in regards to gender, race, orientation, those with disabilities, socio-economic status, but this really woke me up to how little I know about age.

An Old Lady Speaks

I look in the mirror and an old lady stares back at me. She is so familiar that I want to turn away but I can't because something is different. The wrinkles are all in place but the hard to manage gray hairs are not. The lipstick, "the wrong shade for you, Mother, it's too bright.", makes the mouth look happy. But the eyes, the eyes look sad and resigned and that's the difference!

It must have happened yesterday when I tried to hide the rage, the frustration and the pain I felt when the children told me they had decided I would be better off and happier in a nursing Home. When I fell and bruised my arm last month, I knew from their expressions that this move had already been discussed and I wasn't really surprised. For too long now our conversations have consisted of little more than questions and gentle criticisms:

"Do I remember to turn off the burners? Do I remember to lock the doors and windows? Why do I waste my money buying another plant? Remember it's dangerous living alone! Be careful answering the phone; be careful answering the door. Don't drink so much coffee and don't read books by that crazy Adelle Davis!"

If I protest, I'm smothered with words that say they love me and just want what is best for me. If they only knew how I long for some stimulating conversation. What ever happened to those good old taboo subjects or religion, politics and sex? I can hear them saying that religion and politics would raise my blood pressure and sex, well, there is certainly something wrong with an old lady who is interested in sex.

I wish they could remember that when it was time to let them go, I didn't say "You're too young--I'm frightened of what you'll do with your freedom." Now the children have assumed the role of parent and they're saying, "You're too old to be free." They're really afraid people will question their love if tehy let me lie and die as I want to.

So now it's over the river and through the woods to the nursing home. Instead of spending my mornings with a pot of coffee and the newspaper, I'll be gently herded into one of those determinedly cheerful lounges for God only knows what kind of activities. And its goodbye to all the things I'e lived with so long and loved so much. And its goodbye to me because how can I be me without my freedom and independence?

Dear God, if you're going to give the gift of a long life, please compensate by giving others the gift of understanding.

Author: Cecelia O'Meara 9/20/76

A society can be judged by how they treat their children and their elders. In 50 years, I wonder how people would judge ours.

By the way, I couldn't find this only, so I had to type it by hand. Enjoy.

Sunset Dream

2010-04-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

I had a dream I was coord in SPOP, leading a training outdoors in a neighborhood I don't recall, but feels very familiar. It has concluded and the sun is tilting, that tilt that occurs after the bright day, but before the sunset. That tilt where you know the day will end soon, but not quite, much like the feeling of the sun after Daylight Savings.

As I was packing up things with into my father's car, a white Mercedes mini-van, I noticed that it was been tagged up and graffiti-ed. Upon closer inspection, it was the scribble of a lover in discord, in neon green and pink gel ink. In the inside of the car was a note, of everything terrible that i did and how I've hurt this one pained lover, someone who's love I didn't reciprocate.

We started driving to the spopticular, mike and the other coords in the first seats, and me all the way in the back. The sun was setting, giving everything an orange-pink glow, one of those perfect shades you only see in movies, one of those hues that just make you contemplate. We ended up driving through the street of Los Angeles, then through the streets of a greater unknown metropolis and then into the sunset.

With the Brown Rings

2010-04-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

Zoning out on my drive home from Irvine, nighttime lights beat and pulse to the music of David Guetta and Lady Gaga on all the radio stations. I pass cars, cars pass me, as I sit at 70 miles per hour. Creeping my way through the highways and the high ways, I drain through the last moments of my day, thinking if it was one of those days I enjoyed living, or one I wished was over.

Making my final left turn, a white sprite caught my eye. Two glowing bulbs attached to a white figure caught in my headlights. I brake, only to see this white cat with brown rings on its tail race across the street, into another incoming car. Maybe it had nine lives, now less, but the cat dodged that car as well. It stared at me, those bright yellow eyes refracted by my head lights.

I honk, it did nothing. Then I noticed the cat has zoned out too, admits the nighttime lights. We are not that different, white cat with the brown rings. Seems like we're both always lucky to be alive.

What Was Just an Excuse

2010-04-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

After reading an entry from Urbanmonk.net on the difference between a fear and an alibi

When we lay bare our fears, when we examine them with an honest and courageous eye – what we find are not limitations. What we find are alibis. Sometimes these are unconscious. They stem from events, insults, and harsh judgements that we have taken to heart. Without examination, we have allowed them to control our lives.

Each individual has their unique alibis; no one can ever hope to provide a comprehensive list. But here are some of the common ones:

If only, they say. If only I had met the right people; if only I dared to assert myself; if only he never did this, if only I never did that.

So many more ifs!

If only my parents were rich, if only I had a good education, if only I wasn’t held back by my responsibilities, by my family, if only I had a lover who supported me, if only people weren’t so cruel.

If only I wasn’t so old, so young, so ugly, so stupid – and more and more. Barring extreme circumstances, most of these are just alibis. (source)

As I look at my present life and what I'm doing, I am realizing that I am making a lot of excuses for myself. Maybe things aren't as out of control as they seem. Maybe I'm just too afraid to take control, thus not taking my own responsibility for the path in my life at this point.

Dreams take risks. Goals take risks. If you're so afraid of failing, of being different, of alienation, then you will never know if you are capable of achieving your life missions. I never considered a limitation as an alibi before, but now that I know, it's time to do something about it.

Writing Just to Write

2010-04-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything to write right now. I'm not sure if it's because of an overflowing amount of information, ideas, or experiences flowing in my head that I am having a sort of mental ADD, or that maybe I'm trying to figure out what is the most relevant of what has recently happened and I can't pin-point anything. Regardless, I feel like I need to write something for the sake of writing something..and this is it.

I guess one thing that I'm truly grateful for is that even though I am working, my days and weeks are still pretty unique and varied. It's good to know that even outside my college days, I'm still able to keep things interesting, and always having the chance to learn something more.

Now that I think about it, I really do miss learning. Not that I'm not, and sometimes you need to refine what you have learned in order to master it, another form of learning, but life requires you to specialize to succeed, and I just miss that fresh feeling of discovering something for the first time.

Anyways, that goes the entry. I really need to hit the sack.

Random Hungry Chinese Man

2010-04-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

There's was a man sitting next to me at a hot pot BBQ restaurant, Cocary. They have these hybrid hot pots where half of it is an iron surface for grilling meat. I was sitting a few seats away from him when I noticed that he, eating alone, was using two hot pots to cook his food: a man on a mission. A server promptly told him he couldn't use two stations after she noticed it and thus he turned it off, harnessing what's left of the residual heat.

However, the whole time I thought, how come I didn't think to do that myself, the grilling surface is too small.

Socialization is the foundation of civilization, but to not be aware of it, that's dangerous.
Random hungry Chinese man, you are a revolutionary. Fight on, comrade.

A Lake of Salt

2010-04-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

I was walking through a Border's bookstore today, sorting through the self-help section, looking to find something to help be better with small-talk. I found a book that caught my attention, opened the book to an indistinctive page, and read..

An aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining and so, one morning, sent him for some salt.

When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.

“How does it taste?” the master asked.

“Bitter,” spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake.
The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, “Now drink from the lake.”

As the water dripped down the young man’s chin, the master asked, “How does it taste?”

“Fresh,” remarked the apprentice.

“Do you taste the salt?” asked the master.

“No,” said the young man.

At this the master sat beside this serious young man, who so reminded him of himself, and took his hands, offering:

“The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things … Stop being a glass. Become a lake.”

I don't remember what the book was called, but it had "Awakening" in the title. This was the first page I opened to, and it somehow caught my attention. I wonder if I was meant to read that passage at this time in my life.

Help From Friends

2010-04-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

I bought my GRE workbook, though I haven't signed up for the test yet. The initial plan is to take it on July 10th, giving me 4 months to study for it and enough of a leeway in case I wanted to go to Hard LA on July 17th for my birthday and to see MIA...

I'm picking up reading again, as well as sketching a little bit more. There is a slight aim of focus in my life, the desire to actually progress, and that's always nice. I wish I read faster, or read smarter. Even now, I can still stare at a page for 5 minutes and not remember a thing.

Looking back at my last blog a little less than a week ago, I'm very appreciative of all the support that I have. My friend, Melyssa, who is now a SPOP Coordinator, shared her own struggles with the same issue, and my friend Ran, provided this clip on minimizing regret. It's interesting and nice to know that others share in a similar issue, and how we are all coping through it.

All this that I'm doing, to minimize regret.

This is the clip my friend, Ran, provided. Made by the founder of Amazon.com, it's short and simple, and is just an easy question to ask whenever confronted with life decisions: when you're 80, would you regret the decision you're making now?

Of course there will always be regrets, and that can't be helped. But what we can do is just minimize it, thus the framework. Enjoy.

Climbing Out

2010-04-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

There is some sort of irony that I've been blogging less but I've been thinking about so much.

What I have going on is the same all around: work, dance, miscellaneous. Some days are good, some are bad. What I just hate is that what decides it is the mood my mom is in. She spoke to me about grad school and the future, about how lazy I am and how I am wasting my time dancing, you know, the usual things a mother talks to her son about. My mood depends on that.

So now, if she's displeased, I get upset because I end up in a fight with her. If she's fine, I feel relieved. I hate having this feeling that my passion is something to be ashamed of or to hide, but since it's so disapproving, having to hide that I'm going to practices, or just even going out and experiencing life in general is so sad.

I don't get it. I'm not cheating anyone, breaking any laws or morals. I'm living by what I always believed to be true and right, to live life to the fullest and to appreciate the small things. The definition of maturity to the older generation is to be regimented: go to work, go home, sleep, repeat. I understand that my lifestyle isn't forever, but I don't see the point in throwing it all away when I still have the ability to do so. And it's not like I'm not making strides towards what I want to do. Honestly, everything that is going is going at the pace I want it to. It's just not the same as the Jones' or the Lee's.

This stress is really driving me to the edge, and though I feel I've always been on the edge, it's more like my body is now facing away from the ledge and toward the drop.

I always hated blogging about sadder times. But then I wouldn't be able to appreciate the good ones. Now's just the struggle, climbing out.

Yesterday

2010-03-31T00:41:00.000-07:00

Funny how a day can change so much. This is a previous entry I spilled out so that I can be lifted when I started choreographing.

March 30, 2010

I’m sitting on the floor, 3 feet from my mirror. Everyone in the house is sleeping. It’s 12:27 AM. Playing Sweet Disposition on my laptop, The Temper Trap. I’ve been staring at myself for a while now, listening to music and trying to find a song to choreograph to.

It’s usually in this quietness that I dissipate everything I carried during the day. These days have been much more stressful than I am use to. Since my car hit the curb, the alignment is off. I’ve been driving my dad’s gas-guzzler while I wait to get it repaired. My parents are definitely mad, and when they are, they start transcribing the reasoning for my mishaps to the rest of my life: how I’m not home often even though I live at home, how I am wasting my time dancing instead of at home reading and researching grad school, how wanting to go to New York for grad school is a preposterous thing to consider and that I should only look into places in California, and how I am a deviation from all their friend’s children and how illogical it seems that I and setting myself up to be the black sheep of the family.

My reasoning is just a simple declaration, one that is sweet to hear, but when scaled out, just spells out a prospectus of why. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, in a moral sense of the way, living by my values and my own set of priorities. I do feel that I am wasting my time though, and that troubles me. It took me 5 years to graduate college and since I didn’t apply for grad school right away and took so long to find a job, I may be 2-3 years behind than all my “peers.” It’s difficult not to compare yourself, but it’s even harder when you are constantly being measured by an obscure “friend’s” child who is going to Harvard or running for office at such a young age.

I didn’t really cry in college. If I did, they were mostly happy moments. The times I do cry at home are of sadness and stress, and the frequency happens more often. It’s definitely harder to stay positive when your sanctuary is the cause of your distress. Do my parents mean well? Sure, this is their method of motivation. Is it working? In the most unhealthy way, yes, it is. Is it fostering resentment? How can it not? Do I love my parents? Yes. Where does that leave me?
Honestly, I don’t know.

I envy my friends and their relationship with their parents, especially the ones that say they enjoy going home. It strains me, and is making me more depressed the longer I stay caged. It makes me less motivated to move onto the next stage in my life other than the fact that it can liberate me from it.

Now that just brings in the contention that I’m running away from my problems.
Which is why I am sitting in front of my mirror, on the floor, writing this. I feel like I need the grounded support and to be able to look at myself, apart from myself. Examining my wrinkles, scars, curves of my lips, the puffiness of my bags, and how my eyes reflect the azure light emanating from my screen, I deconstruct myself, the mirror my surgery bed. Every detail is observed: the cracked lips, the chicken pox scars, my growing beard, my weight loss, how my thighs jiggle but not my calves, and the state of my feet, soft and white because I hardly wear sandals.

I am my own surgeon, with the power to construct and disassemble, with the ultimate goal, to heal. My name is Jason, it is Greek for healer, and I plan to do so.

Thinking About My End of Life

2010-03-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

Been thinking about end of life situations right now. Obviously, the biggest reason for this stems from working at the Alzheimer’s Association, with constant exposure to the facts, figures, and stories of those who advocate for those who can’t.

I found a blog of someone who's going through Alzheimer's. It takes a lot of courage to be able to record your daily ongoings and the degrdation of cognitive capabilities due to the disease. There is true courage and humanity in the suffering of the disease.
Check it out: http://living-with-alzhiemers.blogspot.com/

Seems interesting for someone of the younger generation to be thinking of end of life care, yet it’s been on my mind consistently. I just read through a sheet on POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment), which is a form you fill out dictating your end of life wishes: being resuscitated, feeding tube details, comfort oriented care, etc. Reading this made me think of what I would want done if I was to be in that situation and as of now, I’m not quite sure yet what I’d sign.

Dementia: one of six over age 65 have it, one out of two over 85 have it. With our extended life-span, we will most likely have a first hand experience it. I imagine my parents to be able to live past 85 with all the medical advancements that have been made. So I have to anticipate one or both getting it. Not even just that, when I get to that age, it is much safer to assume that I will be affected by it, as one who’s inflicted or one taking care of someone who is. There was a news article out recently that parleyed saving for Alzheimer’s is as important as saving for retirement.

I am 23 and I’m thinking about what my death will be like. This is by no means morbid, but a check in the realization that we all have a 100% death rate. You don’t want to be working for your death, but you can’t help but be aware of those who you might be a burden to in your future, even if you haven’t met them yet. This consideration of death has, in a way, put things into a larger perspective. Scaling my goals to a finite timeline, with plenty of room for error and spontaneity, I am realizing that though time is limited, the moments that enrich it don’t have to be. One of the more beautiful things persons with dementia do is that they reminisce a lot, as their long term memory and identity persevere during their initial onset. That motto of love and loss truly applies, that I’d rather live a life I love and love others full-fledgedly, than fear the loss by never having.

And for those who are being affected by the disease, call the Alzheimer's Association Helpline at: 1.800.272.3900

The Downfall of Maximizing

2010-03-10T23:08:00.000-08:00

The fluctuation come and go, and it's an odd feeling. Having the maximizing personality in me, when momentum starts rolling, I tend to utilize it. The hardest part of things is always getting things started. Now that you have, it's all about maximizing, getting the most out of it. I'm good at that, and it inadvertently ends the same way.

Maxing out at work.
Maxing out with dance.
Maxing out with networking.
Maxing out with volunteering.

Burn out.

One of the downfalls of having a maximizing personality is that when I feel like I'm not, then I feel the sense that I'm wasting my time, resting on inefficiency.

People imagine a balance as a stationary position, the perfect equalization, a destination. But most often, that's not the case. Life runs more on statistics and calculations, and your balance is just the average of your highs and lows. You just hope that after the current, you topple to a place you wish to be. I should learn to surf so as to finally ride the waves, carve the path yourself.

Some music to put things into perspective:

Mike Posner

Oh Shit! & Night Drugs (courtesy of Phil Lee, miss ya buddy)

Library Thoughts

2010-03-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the Alhambra public library, in a mass of high schoolers as I wait for the dealership to change the brake pads on my car. Most of the time here consisted of me shooting out emails to people I've met recently and seeking out opportunities to further develop myself, while reading up on materials for my work with Alzheimer's Association. Then suddenly one idea hit me, am I who I thought I was going to be a few years ago?

Where did I see myself back then? Successful upon graduation? Finding a well paying job, living the high life on my own, taking on the big city, or making waves of changes?

Well, it hasn't been exactly that. I am appreciative of where I am right now. Happy? Well, content. But striving for more. I understand what it means to start from the ground up and am appreciating all the help I'm getting and hope to return ten-fold in the future.

I met someone on Sunday, the daughter of a family friend. Her story of success is quite phenominal: Graduated from UC Berkeley by the age of 20, took college courses while in high school, found a job with Target management and then Citibank, Miss Chinatown, the director of mentorship for a non-profit, curing cancer, superwoman...

Yeah, wow.

It's one of those Jones' moments where you inadvernily compare your achievements to those of your generation. But at this point, I'm saying screw it. I've done a darn good job with my life, by-golly. What's just as good as being successful? Knowing someone successful. Touche 2010!

And it's going to be Daylight Savings Time on Sunday. Everything is flying fast.

Touche again, 2010.

Dread Question

2010-03-08T01:09:00.000-08:00

I always hated the question: so what have you been up to?

It's one of those questions that definitely states that you have not been in contact with that person in a while and is obviously a question that poses a bit of awkwardness. You know it's a ploy to get more information out of the person. In an effort to avoid this question, I will tell you all what I've been up to.

Work:
So I have a job now. It is an internship with the Alzheimer's Association. I am working under the advocacy and education department with a good friend of mine, Andrew Eng. I'm learning a lot from this opportunity. The organization is great, the cause is real and imminent, and the director is truly amazing to watch in action. It is a part time internship through the Americorp program, but I am enjoying the flexibility it provides. Though I am still seeking additional oppurtunities to expand my horizons.

I'm still working for Akufuncture Clothing as their marketing intern. It's picking up too since the spring line is coming out soon. Keep on the look out, let's just say, I think this season is one of my favorites.

Volunteer:
I'm beginning to start a regiment in volunteering. Currently, I'm volunteering at the Asian Pacific Community Fund, kind of like a United Way for API organizations (an organization that seeks funding for other non-profits.) I'm enjoying volunteering, it's helping me get out there, stay active, and meet more people. Within a few weeks I've already met a lot of interesting people, and it's great. Also looking to expand on where I volunteer at too.

Dance:
Things have been picking up. Doing Beat Jerkeez and Movement Project concurrently, which is great training, but whipping my butt. Contributing choreography to my friend, Michi's Take Back the Night project as well as for some friends in Irvine. Just trying to keep myself active and busy.

Health:
Been working out, but I find it much more difficult with work and dance getting in the way. Since being busy prevents me from going out as often as I'd like, I've been drinking a little less. Progress wise, I've lost over 10 pounds from ballooning over early winter. I've noticed that I've been making healthier choices in food, and have been keeping with it.

Other:
I'm making it an effort to get in touch with people I've lost contact with.
I'm also trying to figure out when to study for my GRE's, which I have yet to register for.

So in a nutshell, this is what's been going on in my life. Now let's hang out and not be awkward.

Glancing

2010-02-24T01:22:00.000-08:00

I've been glancing at a stack of books for a while, thinking I should read them, but not inspired to. I'm a life student in perpetual search for knowledge, but currently, I don't have any desire to quench that thirst.

There are events going on at UC campuses due to the racist incidents regarding a "Compton Cookout," with rallies being set up everywhere, asking why the administration is doing nothing, not just of the incident, but of upholding their stated values of promoting diversity.

Here is the Open Letter by Prof Yang in regards to the incident at UCSD. It's a good read.

After reading up on these incidents, it has made me miss an aspect of college, the preverbial stimulation of knowledge. Whether it's inside the classroom, in an organization, or through peer interactions, the pace of learning is so high in a university setting. I loved that feeling, of thriving in a place that poses to challenge your values and makes you think outside the box. Even though at times you are forced to learn subjects you have no interest in, there's no doubt that doing so has expanded your thought process, even slightly.

As I sit, staring at these books, realizing I haven't kept up with blogging, even with so much on my mind, and just ultimately, not stimulating myself, I'm trying to make changes. I see this hump as just that, something to get over. You don't get over a hump by sitting, but my enduring and forcing each step through. Oddly, formspring helps as answering questions forces the articulation of an otherwise unconscious thought. Feel free to ask away: http://www.formspring.me/sujason25

At least I've been sketching! Filling up my moleskin.

Unmandated Vacation

2010-02-20T01:25:00.000-08:00

So I caught chicken pox. WHAAAAA?

Yes, it's a rather odd thing to catch, being 23; but it's due to catch on sooner or later. It's probably better that it's sooner, though the timing of this is at an inconviniently convienient time.

Everything was starting to get stressful: doing all the paper work for my Americorp position and then going into hell week with Beat Jerkeez, Movement Project blocking, along with Chinese New Year celebrations and errands I have to do in Irvine, things were getting pretty hectic. Oddly, when I did catch it, right when everything was about to set off, I really had to put myself in a new position of reanalyzing what is important and what I can and can't do.

There are a lot of things I'm missing out on though: dancing, debuting the new set, falling behind at Movement, starting the new internship, etc; but I'm pretty thankful for the fact that maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to check myself and appreciate things in your life, rather than going with the motions of it and just seeing the work. Beforehand, I was hoping to get the current few weeks over with. Now I just want to get into all this.

So instead of being stressed that everything is coming, I'm pumped for it now.

Strange how random things bring different perspectives. Strange, and blessed.

Year of the Tiger

2010-02-16T23:40:00.000-08:00

There are traditions to follow in a Chinese New Year celebration:

The man of the house starts the dinner off by eating chicken
You only eat a small part of the fish this dinner, saving the rest for later.
You sleep with the red envelope under your pillow.

All this to ensure more prosperity throughout the year.

Happy Lunar New Year

Corner Store Keep

2010-02-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

There is a store in Monterey Park that rents out VCR cassettes of Chinese movies and TV shows, all of them copied and, presumably, illegal. Walking in seeing the tapes stack from the floor to ceiling was truly mind blowing, and it made sense to find it there. In the area, most of the people are immigrants from Asia, an older generation, and not as technologically savvy. Thus this store brings in good money.

Of course, cassette rentals can only pay so much. The stacks are actually a front for the store's true business, selling burned DVDs and cartons of cigarettes at cheap, duty-free, untaxed prices. Apparently he struck a deal with flight attendants to buy cigarettes in other countries and to sell them back and amazingly lower prices. To continue the deterrence of inspection, the store keep only sells to people he knows and through referrals. Quite exclusive.

I can only admire the beautiful development of this store keep's American dream: one not found in searching, but through construction.

Free Write 07

2010-01-22T01:43:00.000-08:00

Hives on my face
The muscles tearing, I feel it
With every push, I break to reset.
My mind is slowing reforming
I wonder if I am a shaman
or just hallucinating.

Heading home, chasing lightning.
I see a bird of steel, monstrosity with glowing lights
Cycling through the clouds
The gods of their realm
It is my mother
For I am the son of Valkyrie
Pseudo-god of death
My mastery is in my own life
My conviction to my calling as to the end of my existence.

We see the fool, not the cliff
The jagged daggers, the embrace of our ground.
We act as the magician
Decipher the directions. Actions. Results.
An equation of alchemetic proportions.
Simple word, omens.
Guide the fool.
I am poetry. My visions are answers.
One man's illusions are another's hopes.

Ramblings, scribes, a juxtaposition of linguistic recipes.
A rolled die, with snake eyed outcomes.
But to me they create those stories
The highs and lows, the interpretations.
Hallucinations, if you will, that I so dutifully abide by.
As a crazy is always a crazy because a crazy sees more truth through lies.

Economics Behind the Disaster Relief

2010-01-20T01:33:00.000-08:00

This is my economic nerd side coming out, as I found this article on donations for disaster relief to be extremely enlightening.

The best thing you can do to contribute to disaster relief is to send money. Cash is the most efficient way to help as it allows organizations to purchase exactly what they need, from the right people, at costs that may be lower than our own in-kind donations. The concept seems rather cold though, what happened to all the clothing drives, toy drives, can food drives? These are what we think we should do when something disastrous occurs. But thinking it all in an economic sense, it’s just not efficient.

Donations in-kind, in all the forms listed above, can actually hurt the disaster relief. Why? Well, in the case of Haiti, their ports are destroyed and there is air traffic that far exceeds the capacity of Haiti’s airports. These planes have a certain capacity, which is used to ship equipment, medicine, food, water, and people trained to handle those situations. Donations in-kind compete for the same space, and though there are good intentions in donating clothes and toys, at this point, Haiti could use more trucks and rations than leftover Christmas toys.

Also, clothes, toys, food, and the like can be purchased in the disaster zone. This has many effects. First, it cuts down on transportation costs. Second, the exact needs can be purchased, rather than making due with what is collected. Lastly, this helps in revitalizing the economy of the community, cycling money and creating jobs. The relief doesn’t stop with the actual catastrophe, but continues with the rebuilding of a life, community, and culture that is impacted.

There is a huge influx of support when a disaster strikes. It's similar to the holiday season where in November and December, charitable organizations find the most donations and help. But too often, like the holidays, there's just too much of what's not needed and not enough of what is necessary. A family living in poverty doesn't need 5 new toys, but could use food, clothing, or school supplies more urgently. And what happens come May, when charitable organizations struggle to find support?

Reiterating, disaster relief goes beyond the actual event of the disaster, though it is the most critical. Relief extends to the reconstruction of the community and finding that sense of normalcy again. So it’s never too late to donate if you still haven’t. Whether the money goes to the immediate disaster or the rebuilding of the nation, every bit helps.

Last note, all those texting donation programs and sales proceeds going on right now are very successful in raising money, but they have to go through an overhead and may take many days or weeks before the money actually goes to the disaster relief. The most effective way is the simplest; send cash to a reputable organization. (source)

Thank you in advance.
To find charitable organizations to donate to, check out charitynavigator.org

I decided to donate to Doctors Without Borders, if you can't decide:

Rinds

2010-01-19T02:56:00.000-08:00

My dad told me that when he was growing up in Taiwan, the family was very poor. Once he and his brother was in the city and found eaten watermelons on the side of the road. With some flesh still on the rinds, they washed it and hid, eating them. My grandfather discovered them and, though he never laid a hand on his children before, beat my father and uncle for doing so. Even if we are poor, my grandfather said, we will not eat the leftovers of others. To have more integrity than your stature asks for, that is how we are taught to live.

Of Customs

2010-01-19T02:31:00.000-08:00

A secret goal of mine.

In his senior years Lao Tzu had grown weary of the intrigue and artificiality of society. As was often the custom in ancient China, old men would retire to become mountain hermits. Legend has it that as Lao Tzu was leaving the city, he was stopped by a boarder guard who recognised him as a great sage. The Boarder Guard refused to allow Lao Tzu to leave the city until he had wrote down all his wisdom. Lao Tzu is then said to have sat in the gate house and composed the Tao Te Ching. When he finished Lao Tzu left the city on the back of an ox and was never seen again. (source)

I dream that one day I will be able to do this.

Pathfinding

2010-01-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

In this high of deciphering the goal of my life, I've wandered into something that keeps my ambition grounded.

Ever since reading the Alchemist, I've tried to make a conscious effort on pinpointing omens in my life, even if it can be perceived as coincidences. It's funny because I was just watching 500 Days of Summer and the end of the movie says to put your trust in the universe and not to be afraid to act upon it when the opportunity arises.

How does this relate?

One of the things I advise is to be aware of tunnel vision when pursuing goals. Just because you are pacing your way to your destination doesn't mean you have to do it with your eyes on your feet. The balance is always the most difficult, and will require active checks throughout your life. But that adds to the spice of life and the paths of self-discovery we are all perpetual students of.

This is an interesting video about goals and living. I found it through Kim Black's link to urbanmonk.net. It's short and the animation is done by the people who created South Park:

Hermit Shell

2010-01-15T02:06:00.000-08:00

I arrived home late after Beat Jerkeez dance practice, sweaty, but in a good way. There seems to be a sort of weight lifted now, odd to occur when the world is in such turmoil. It's almost guilty that I am allowed to feel liberated when others cannot.

But that shouldn't stop me from being liberated. Shine brightly to light the way for others.

There have been people talking about going through a rebirth, a phoenix reincarnated. To them, I can only express how happy I am for them. Though my experience right now isn't such.

It feels more like a hermit crab finally realizing that his shell is too small, and no longer scared to find a bigger one.

Like So Many Before Me

2010-01-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

The new year has been rocky, not going to lie. There are a good amount of things that I need to sort through, things that I have pushed away thinking I can still go on with my college lifestyle. I wouldn't say that now I am trying to develop into a new person, but I'm just reassessing my goals now and how to reach them.

What's good about graduating is that goals are now able to be planned over the course of years. Having long term goals seem more tangible when no longer compartmentalized into quarters and hours, classes and rubric.The downfall of it is that progress is slow. Now that sights are set, they take much longer than 10 weeks to fulfill, and can no longer be crammed in a 24 hour study session.

I am appreciating these growing pains though; they are sorely needed. Realizing how comfortable I was in my last year in college, I did think I can just keep that going. In a sense, it can be, and is entirely possible, but knowing me, I would've found the comfort too boring and stable.

So having my priorities set so solidly in college with my involvements and what I was expected to do, or "known" for, a sort of culture shock definitely came afterward, with the most unexpected wiping of my slate and a fear of reverting to the person I was before: some sad overweight kid in high school that never really grew out of the ability to accept his awkward social graces.

Goals aren't easy, dreams aren't immediate. It was easy to tell each other to reach for them, but it's a whole other story to abide by your words.

I hope all is watching as I declare my first footstep in this adventure.

Better Late Than Never

2010-01-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have 4 years of marketing experience, 3 years of creative design experience, and 3 years of student affairs experience; and now, I think I am going to dispel all that and go into the field of non-profits. I think it has everything I'm searching for in a vocation: interesting work, variety, and the an altruistic flavor to the job. Now it's time to craft the path.

Maybe it's the revelation of the new year, or the culmination of experiences that catalyze from the old. As of now, this is providing the most clarity and excitement. Now all I need is a job in the field.

And of course, to somehow make it back to NYC, get an MPA there, and fall in love all over again.

Alicia Keys - Empire State Of Mind Part II Live

This is the cover my friend and spopper, Jen Chung, did. Also amazing.

Happy 2010 Everyone!

Merry Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well, the holiday season has come. Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday. Actually, the days leading up to Christmas are my favorite. When the decorations come on, the people prepare, the loads of gift wrapping paper, the sense of generosity in the air. On the actual day, I don't really do too much. In my family, Christmas is seen as another day to relax than a holiday celebration. Regardless, I still love this season and all the romantic images and store sales that come with it.

Some things I've thankful for:

Friends, health, family.
Graduating UC Irvine.
An amazing summer with SPOP, the culmination of all 3 years.
Being able to travel to Taiwan, China, and the East Coast.
Having people in my life who I can count on.
The financial buffer to make mistakes.
Books, and eyes to read them.
Dance.
Unique experiences that make life interesting.
All you can eat sushi and Korean BBQ places.
The inventor of carne asada fries.
My pseudo-ambidexterity.
Learning so much the hard way.
Doing good work.
The feeling of not regretting 2009 and looking forward to 2010.

Though by all means not all-inclusive, I can appreciate the things I have, the things I've done, and the things and people that have changed and inspired me. Happy Holidays, and much love.

East Coast Trip: Ambition

2009-12-25T19:54:00.000-08:00

I expected to be inspired, but I didn't expect a lit flame on my butt. Part of the trip to New York and New Jersey was to visit people, see how they are doing. Some of these people I haven't seen in years, so I wanted to swing by their new hood and see how things are going with them.

Seeing the progress they've made, especially in a city known to swallow up citizens, really fueled me to do something with my life. It's not that I haven't, but now that I have something concrete to compare to, I'm realizing how much I need to get done.

There have been some great conversations in the east. My conversation with Crystal of Beat Jerkeez about the team made me very excited and energized to help push the talent and mindset to the next level. My time with Heather put so much scope into perspective, about what people can do, what they have done, and what their potential can really be. Just hanging out with Dan makes me appreciate the sense of serenity you can have by knowing what you want and making progress towards it. It's interesting that it takes a whole new environment to allow for these conversations to happen, but I'm glad it did.

This feeling is great. In a sense, I'm just waiting for the holiday season to be over so that I can start on these goals. I've been on break too long and though I have been doing what I can, I finally see a beacon in which to progress to and a ruler to chart where I'm going.

Ambition. Progress. Omens. It took the electricity of the metropolis to spark a new sequence.

Additional pictures to be found in my photo blog.

La Flo

2009-12-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

I remember during one of the trips I had a whole day planned out. I knew what I was going to hit up, and made a chart as to where to go. Rather uncharacteristic of me, but I decided to give it a shot.

As I was making my rounds through it, the trip became more stressful. Not getting enough sleep, worrying about being late, taking the wrong tracks, it became more and more apparent that I was just going through the motions of the day. When I finally got back from seeing the Statue of Liberty, I was also so tired, the day has passed, and I didn't even do half of what I wanted to do.

The next day I dropped the amount I wanted to see to 3 things: Central Park, the Museum of Modern Art, and Soho. I ended up only seeing two, but that day was so stress-free and allowed for so many surprises to happen: bumping into landmarks I didn't expect to see, interesting people, good food.

I realize that when I go from one extreme to another, it doesn't turn out well. Partly though, because I am a man of compromise. When I allow things to flow, it feels like the city speaks to me, my heart guides my feet and my eyes and soul feast. The tactic is always simple, to go with the flow, bu nevertheless, the rewards are still great.

More pics here in my photo blog.

East Coast Trip: An Inverse Community

2009-12-23T00:07:00.000-08:00

Spatial relations are rather the conundrum in a city. You can either feel connected, involved, alive in the scene; or lonely, cold, and inanimate. Most often, you feel both, rubbing shoulders in the masses of people, not one looking at you in the eye, the march of the terracotta warriors.

There truly is a neighborhood empowerment feeling to the city, to be in an area where it is common for people to know your name and have real acquaintances in your neighborhood, to have the feeling of a community than a series of complexes. Heather says that people are involved with politics and the community engagement because that is only way to do things if you truly cared. Yet at the same time, you can feel very alone; the most crowded subways trains are also the quietest.

Most common things I see people fiddle with on subways are iPods, reading material, and cell phones, barriers set to enclose themselves. They carry their private realm with them to the public.

I can relate it to something like road rage, or taking photos. When you're in your car, you assume the car as your realm. With it, you take into consideration the roads and such, all of it private and yours. Thus when someone cuts you off, you take it personally, even though the road is shared. Same with photography. Your realm is what you see through the lens, not the actual place itself, but when someone walks into your shot, it becomes more of a personal stab than an accidental occurence. However, the scale of it in New York is much more personal.

A walk, an action, sitting down on the park bench; they all become something private in a place where everything is very public. I can see why people rush to places. They are hypnotized, stuck in their world. Even with no distractions, to save their privacy, they guard it in public. Thus making every disturbance to the minute that much exaggerated: the concessions of inverse community.

Traveling on my own has been an experience in itself. Coming into the trip without a plan, just a bare guide has posed its own challenges: figuring out street series's, the location of districts in New York, and their mass transit system. Being able to not get swallowed up by the concrete jungle is giving me perspective in my own abilities in carving my own path. If I can survive transplanting into a new environment and still having the chance to migrate around, then I shouldn't count myself out on other challenges to come.

East Coast Trip: Vagabond Fooshizzie

2009-12-22T07:55:00.001-08:00

As of right now, I'm writing in my friend and SPOP Coordinator's (Gold Year) Heather Diaz's apartment in the East Village of Manhattan. She left to go home for the holidays so for a day I have the place to myself. It's quite the luxury really, and I am blessed to have someone on the other side of the country close enough and willing to trust me with their residence.

I've been enjoying this bouncing of residence in New Jersey and New York. Being able to stay at Dan Davis's beach house, spending a night in a New York hostel with Beat Jerkeez people when they were in town, and having this place to crash really gives a unique perspective on the city life, not just places outsiders go, but how people who live here operate. These observations are what I strive to forage for when I go traveling on my own.

I'm thinking of this trip and acknowledging my vagabond lifestyle. A decision to depart may be swayed if I'm going to a place I know I would have a place to crash. Having had a period where I couch-surfed in Irvine between arrangements, I find a sort of solace in the minimalistic living at the time. Do I see this as permanent? Not really. I think though, this lifestyle offers an experience of truly living off the community, rather than the cookie-cutter cleaned up facades of it.

And it's always great to go with people who know the small food vendors that can blow your mind.

More pictures found on my photo blog. 2 days left in the Big Apple.

East Coast Trip: Violent Jolt of the Capital

2009-12-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

I've fallen in love, and they call her New York.

Stepping out of the New York Penn Station and into the brisk of cold air and fast feet, I couldn't keep a smile off my face. The jolt of it all, the struggle to get across the street, and need to try and not look like a tourist yet snapping a picture every few steps, I was a sponge in the concrete jungle.

I've always liked cities: Los Angeles, San Francisco, and now New York. I think it stems from how cities are always busy, and I've always liked that feeling. Maybe it's time for a scenic change, a more interesting surrounding. It's also a plethora of photography subjects.

And it's like the greatest sense of the holiday spirit here in New York.

Additional photos found on my photo blog.

East Coast Trip: Snow In

2009-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I suffered through a snow storm in New Jersey. One of the snow shovelers said that it was the worst since 1996. Anyways, I'm using suffer liberally, as even though the journey was dangerous to get home (3 hour car ride, losing control of the car, getting stuck in snow) it was still oddly fun. Can't have a good vacation without an adventure though.

Well, today I was suppose to head to Philadelphia, but couldn't because of the snow. In Philadelphia, it is considered a state of emergency. Best wishes to the city. However, Dan Davis and I decided to take a stroll at the beach right by the apartment, so we took our cameras and set off for the shore.

What started off as a photo-op turned out to be an excavation of monumental proportions. As we walked toward the bungalow, we got more gutsy and decided to actually go to the sand. Since it was the day after the blizzard, we wanted to see the beach of ocean, sand, and snow.

Feeling accomplished at the shore, getting buried waist deep in fresh powder, and going into the a playground covered in snow that hour or so was the most I did today. Nothing beyond that, no flashing lights, modern attractions, just being very comfortable with nature..and it was great.

I was thinking how earlier I was disappointed in the fact that I couldn't go to Philadelphia. I didn't want to spend too much time being stuck at the apartment, but couldn't help it. After everything, I appreciating how blessed I am with everything that's turned out. I got more than a trip out of this one, but an adventure. It wasn't just the city I experienced, but the sensation of just living in another place. Talking to the neighbors, getting stranded at a train station, losing power in my cell phone and having to collect call someone, just to leave a message when they asked for your name; it feels like a journey rather than a vacation. I'm not working right now, what am I going to do on a vacation?

Planning out my last few days, but also appreciating the fact that there are some things better when you just let it flow. Like so many things in life, you live by principles, forgetting them on occasion, only to be reminded and humbled when the need arises.

Additional photos found in my photo blog and Dan Davis's website.

Fresh Eyes

2009-12-16T02:12:00.000-08:00

My cousin from Taiwan has come over here to visit America. She is staying with us for the time being while she works with my mom, finds an English school, and travels around. Sometimes, when my parents are at work, I find the responsibility of showing her around, making sure she has food, play host, etc. It is through her perceptions that it truly makes me reconsider what I'm use to.

Small things come into mind when on outings with her. Once I took her to California Pizza Kitchen or lunch. She has comments on why the portions are so big, deep fried, and how the cheeses are so different. She even pointed out the Cholula sauce on the table, and how the spicy taste is so different from that in Taiwan. Having the duality of knowing American and Chinese/Taiwanese products and customs, it just seems normal to me, all this. But now that I'm showing her around, I'm developing my own appreciation for what is the norm.

Funny how it takes fresh eyes to do so. Funny, and appreciative.

80% = 100%

2009-12-14T03:36:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to grasp this concept of going too full out.

It started with some critics in my dancing, that I need control in my movements. That is completely understandable. I am a big person and, well, it takes more energy to match up to those who don't have the density I do. Though with it has the cost of looking to sloppy when dancing. After staying back to put in some extra time with the pieces since I'm heading off to New Jersey Wednesday morning, I got some interesting advice from one of my coordinators, Richard Ha.

Understanding that if my "full out" is too much, learn to do it at 80%. In a way, to reach the level needed, one has to compromise to the right level. As he puts it, you're dancing as part of the choir, not as a lone star. It's great advice to get, but it wasn't until the drive home that I realized I've given and received this advice before.

As a patron of the positivity movement, I try to surround myself with the energies of those I seek and am inspired by, in hopes of spreading that energy to others. But there comes a term of thinking positive when you think positive, with a focus (credit to Jhust.)

In an interpretation of what is necessary to see growth, whether it is in dancing or just a lifestyle choice, I've come to appreciate the aspect of just staying positive, prayer, and keeping a focus to both your goals and your values. It's always a hard lesson to learn, but at least this struggle is a universal one we can all achieve together.

Dim Sum Diaphragm

2009-12-14T03:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I ate dim sum with my mom at 2pm. The place was winding down, with less people and less carts circling around. Regardless, it doesn’t really matter. To me, it just means I get the food faster, even if it’s the last remnants of everyone else’s lunch.

In front of me sat a group of 4 older Asian people. Nothing would of pulled my attention to them except for the fact that they all spoke English. They were asking for egg rolls at a dim sum place. It seemed very strange to me to ask for egg rolls at a dim sum place when there are so many other options, but maybe they just like egg rolls.

Later on, they asked the server for forks. Stereotypical me just was in a sort of shock that they did. Do they really not know how to use chopsticks? How can you call yourself Asian, get out of here.

Just thinking that, however, made me very disappointed in myself. There was a subconscious shunning of the group of friends eating together for their illegitimacy. Who am I to judge that. My Chinese isn’t much better than theirs. In my attempts to hold onto the slow atrophy of my culture, I rate my familiarity of it with those who are trying to do the same thing, efforts in keeping in touch with their own roots. They’re probably use to the judging anyways. That made me even more disappointed in myself.

We are not that different, really; different circumstances, but the same goal.

KooC/ing

2009-12-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

Due to some irregular sleeping patterns and carbohydrate over-load, I have slept from 7pm to 2am after dinner. Now it is 5:30 AM, and all I can think about is food.

After playing Restaurant City, Cafe World, watching Howcast.com videos on cooking and researching things to cook for Christmas, I have concluded that I am food-obscesed. Having had an appetizer and a breakfast cooked by my friend the day before, I have a sort of re-inspiration to get back into cooking. I haven't really cooked much since I got home, which really shouldn't be the case since the kitchen and refrigerator is much more stocked than any place I lived during college. Yet I have gotten lazy with the easy of food my parents bring home or cook.

I feel like you can ask any family in any culture and they'll say that one of the things that brings people together is the food. Many traditions taught and passed down are through food: home recipes, links to culture, and the general time spent together gathered around the preparation and consumption of food.

On Thanksgiving, I attempted to cook a turkey. Luckily, it turned out to be a success. It was also the first time the dinner had stuffing and mashed potatoes. It was one of the proudest culinary moments of my life, and I will always have the scar on my right thumb to remember that day, and how never to loosen an open can with your hands.

It's beautiful.

I've also inquired about cooking with my mom. There are dishes that I grew up eating and enjoying, without ever asking how it was made. It would seem to be such a shame to have it forgotten, and to end the line of traditional pass down from generation to generation at me.

My cooking has become more of a novelty at home. My mom or take out still takes the reign as dominant food consumed at the house. My recipes are Western, and thus, eaten on occasion and with a sort of exoticism. Cheese? How foreign to eat fermented milk.

I will soon be whipping up some exotic foreign Western cuisines pretty soon.

10 Pictues

2009-12-07T14:24:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the photos on Phil Lee's blog, I wanted to bring out some from my recent trip to Taiwan. All these photos were taken the day I went to visit my grandmother in the rural area of Taiwan: a strange and exhilarating track back to the roots.

Sunbasking

2009-12-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have this romance in my Narnia, a manifestation of bits and pixels. The contours of the body, the wrinkles on the face, how the sun illuminates the soul entrapped in a 13 inch monitor. Observing instead of living, touching; big brother I remain. Looking back with saggy eyes, embarked on a journey through the exotic I live vicariously through.

The footsteps taken by those Nike shoes compress the dirt that lies before. Carving your own path with pace and perspiration. I watch this journey yearning to join, yet you are many miles away. I sit here, and I watch, hoping to get a glimpse, a simmer, a crocked smile.

I miss getting into trouble.

Vivid is the illusion where I can smell the pines. I feel the sunset beams on my skin. I feel the peddles I scuff as I walk along side you. And I feel the same breeze you do. All this, I am able to trick myself into as I remain contained in my 12 by 12 cell, with my window, my magic mirror.

Apart we shall remain, connected through this moment. My digital love fortress where I see you, where you shan't see me.

Cold Air

2009-12-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

I keep going back to Thursday night. I was sitting outside in the cold, on my own, smoking a cigarette. Practice for Beat Jerkeez has just concluded, and s group of people went home already. Some remained to hang around, but I was the only one outside.

Smoking at night and alone, there is no greater peace. When all you can do is stare at the paper of the cigarrete burn, you release all other worries. My days have been a mix between the slow and hectic, discerning what is urgent in my life from what is important. But that moment, under the flouresent bulb, sitting on a white-washed bench and staring at my cig as the cherry sears the paper, I allowed myself to let things set in.

There was an odd sense of solace in that moment of silence. I enjoy these moments immensely. It felt like a meditation, or a reboot. Nothing in my life really changed before or after that moment. There was just a clarity to it.

Real Phony

2009-12-02T00:52:00.000-08:00

I want to write an entry right now, though I have not the inspiration or the energy at the moment. So in a stream of consciousness, I am deciding to let the fingers tickle.
The one lit room amist cold marble and Chinese infomercials
My father sleeps on the couch
Jetlag, I do not envy.
Scraps of food, scraps of pride
All consumable, and goddamn insatiable

Craving the balance and the calm
while looking up to the chaotic and interesting
I want a life of trouble, drama, pain, integrity, substance
Chop full of cookies and cream
Desire to be interesting
I want to be interesting
What is the worth of being so?
Don't know
Suppose so
You phony
The realest phony for breakfast
The mice picks at dry cheese in the house of his master
A full course meal

And this was a random entry
Of no point
Except for the fact that I wanted to write one
You read it
You're strange
I love you
Let's rock and roll
Together, As One

Rereading

2009-11-30T22:57:00.000-08:00

In an unfounded desire to reread the books I read in high school, I picked up an old book, "Hunger of Memory" by Richard Rodriguez.

All I remember prior to rereading it was that I found the author to be tough to relate to or difficult to root for. I remember not liking the autobiography, but decided to give it a shot again. Maybe I'm more able to appreciate the points made in the book.

The book touches on the divisions experienced by a polarized life of the public and private: his Spanish speaking home and the English American educational system, of which he later becomes an instructor of (the institution of public education, not the specific school)

What is notable is the shift in shame of learning English as a child, to forgetting Spanish as an adult. I guess the book never really resonated with me the changes in perspectives education, experience, and life in general has on all facets of your character. Things change in life, for better or not, but are the results of activity that propels us forward.

Living at home has made me think about my relationship with my family as well. It parallels Rodriguez's in the fact that as children of immigrants, our pre-primary education years are spend operating in a non-English language. As the time for schooling cmoes upon us, we leave the home.

The emphasis on education, in turn, results in an emphasis on English. Through that, a sense of cultured seperation is lost, given way to Western assimilation. I think about when I no longer take what my parents tell me as full truth, and start to critic ideas. Thus I unintentionally cause the rapture.

Now that I'm back, I notice how cordial my interactions have been. Am I treated like a son, part of the family, or a sort of permanent guest. Throughout the years where I believe to have expand my horizons, I often think how the success of my ambitions are inversely proportional to the reliance of me on my family. But in reality, it's too soon to tell, and likely not causal in relation to bear any truth to the statement.

What I can say is that as with change, a different combination may yield similar results. Though I know things will never be the way they use to be when I was a child, there is hope of reconciliation after all.

And its strange how you can pay more attention to something you're doing when you don't have to do it, but want to...such as rereading old school books.

What A Quote

2009-11-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

People are still looking for a definition of love. But it isn't a definition - it's a doing; it's filling the need. It's not talking to the ear, but the human heart." - Father Hugh Noonan

I was looking for Soup Kitches that my dance team, Beat Jerkeez, could volunteer at when I came across this quote on the St. Francis Center of Los Angeles website. Upon discovering it, I was just thinking about the aspect of love. We tell people to love each other and to love ourselves, but sometimes it just ends up as how do you love? What is it? It's throwing an assumption that love can be contained in either a potion or a manual.

But shoot, we all have the ability to do so. Love isn't a talent or skill that we have to master, or a currency to trade. It is a gift that you give. If you get it in return, then keep it flowing. If not, know that love is unconditional and has served its purpose there. Speaking beyond terms of romance to a general sense of love, wear it on your sleeve and give it freely. How much more beautiful would life be if that was the case.

Seriously, when I read the quote, I was like, damn...

By the way, my internship with my Akufuncture is picking up. Got some new sharp clothes and starting to scout out talent to sponsor and vendors to work with. I'm feeling the sense of being thrown into the field, and I have a business card now.

Don't laugh. My boss said I look like Sun Yat Sen, the founding father of China (Taiwan)

Yes? No?

Wasn't That Long Ago

2009-11-18T17:47:00.000-08:00

Interview Questions for Leaders on Campus:

What does leadership mean to you?

Leadership to me means service. When you assume a leadership position, you are doing so with a lot of humility and selflessness. It shouldn't be about the position, title, or status. If you are to undertake the responsibility, you need, above all other qualifications, to understand that you are now serving the people you lead.
What leadership position are you currently holding (or have held in the past)?

SPOP: staffer. returner. coordinator
Lambda Theta Delta: fundraising chair, webmaster, corresponding secretary
Alliance of Business Students: marketing director
MCIA: choreographer
AGC Dance Team: captain, coordinator
Center for Service in Action: marketing and publicity intern
What are some challenges that you have faced in your leadership experience?

Some of the challenges I've faced include working in organizations that have a strong established legacy prior to my involvement. Organizations such as SPOP and my fraternity hold a lot of possibility, but because they have been around longer than my involvement with them, they have been set in their ways. The challenge is to bring a new perspective to something that has deep roots. Traditions and legacy make an organization strong, but that is not an excuse to make it stagnate. Leaders understand that change happens and that change brings in opportunities unnoticed before.
What have you gained from your experiences with leadership and working with others?

One of the biggest things I've gained are people skills and a broadening of perspective. When you lead, you need to learn how to interact and get your points across. Having opportunities to exercise that truly helped me as a person, both professionally and personally. Being in leadership positions also broadens your views. When I started getting involved, I wondered how the senior members of the organizations knew so much more, or could see so much more. Now being on the other end of the spectrum, I can understand how being a leader helps you see things in different lights and viewpoints. Sometimes you just aren't right, so you need to listen and see through other's eyes.
What are your strengths?

I believe I'm a good problem solver and able to see things through different perspectives. I also believe that I am able to keep my cool and composure when needed and am able to analyze the people and situations I'm in. But the thing I believe has developed me the most is that I learned to listen and take criticism. I truly do believe that sometimes you just need an open ear.
Describe a time where things did not turn out the way you had planned.

In one year, I was leading the AGC Dance team. The team was getting frustrated and I just kept pushing them to keep practicing. My mistake was that I was so set on winning that I no longer listened or cared what the team was feeling. I understand that sometimes that is a positive thing, but it's not worth performing and winning if you didn't have fun getting to that point. We didn't win that year, but in retrospect, I don't think we were in the right mindset to at the time.
What advice to you have for future leaders?

Your biggest strength isn't any sort of personality you have or the skills you've developed. Your biggest strength is in the people you are leading and working with. No matter what you are good at, you need others to fill in your gaps. If you don't have them, you're not really a leader of anything. They are the force you are steering, it isn't the other way around.
What do you enjoy most about working in your organization(s)?

I do enjoy the planning and organizing aspect of my organizations. But I truly enjoy those moments where after everyone worked hard at an event, where everyone unwinds and just is able to appreciate the fruits of their labor.
What are your values?

I believe integrity is the most valuable thing you can have, the quickest to lose and the hardest to gain. I believe in thinking positive, but with a critical mind: flow where things take you, but constantly consider if the actions are right or not. I believe love is the most powerful force in the world: for your organization, for others, and for yourself.
If you could paint a picture of leadership, what would it look like?

I see the leader as a pair of glasses. The leader makes the point clear for the people, but the point has been there the whole time. The leader finds a way to the goals of the people, clarifies it, and makes it reality.
Where do you see yourself in 5 and/or 10 years?

I'm not the type of leader that really has an object or goal. Sometimes, i don't even consider myself a leader, but someone who's just putting their two cents in the cause. I am not sure where I will be in the future, and I'm not too worried about that. What I am hoping is that I will be able to keep the values I hold dearly 5 to 10 years down the line and that I will continue to be able to do what I do for others.

I did this for my friend and fellow staffer, Belyn Lai, for her involvement with the Mes Court Leadership Institute. It's kind of crazy to still get involved with this and being asked these questions.