Cooking an Artichoke

Right now, I'm sipping a beer and looking up how to cook an artichoke. Why? I'm not sure. Having a hectic day at work, there was this mentality of work hard, play hard. There was no direction in the effort to really maximize my desire, it's just that I was hoping something would happen; that fate would have a hand in balancing the stress of my day to an adventure at night.

Needless to say nothing happened. Am I surprised? No. What exactly was I expecting? Honestly, I'm not sure. I think within a cycle of repetition, I just pray for moments out of the ordinary. In that sense, I set myself up for failure. You don't find an adventure when you seek one, at least not in my case. These things usually happen on its own.

I just hurt my shoulder trying to pick something up off the ground. Is my body feeling the effects of age? I was watching a junior dance team earlier today, and they were so amazing and so passionate. Throwing their bodies around, things just didn't seem to phase them. I realize that my body isn't able to strap back the way it use to, that trying to grab something behind my chair and hurt my shoulder.

I am having a lack of a means of expression these days. What I found to have been an adroitness of mine is slowly atrophying away. In a turn, what I found to be my weaknesses I am gaining proficiency. Maybe I am experiencing this evolution, in ability and perception. I think i'm in the painful process of shedding my skin so that I can grow a bigger one.

I spent my entire time at home sleeping and painting with watercolors. Something expressive with something exhaustive.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm in a fucking rut and it was thrown at me in the most inopportune and unexpected way. My only solution now is to sedate it, so that I won't have to embrace it, so that I can hold it off until when it's more convenient for me to confront it. Fight or flight, regretable I feel the hypocracy of preaching one and partaking in the other.

Cooking an artichoke requires time, patience, and the removal of the pricks to allow the fibers to loosen, and the heart to melt. The wait is always the most anticipatory, and that is one thing I hate doing.

Gives Me Hope

I'm reading givesmehope.com, which is a website on circumstances that give hope to the goodness of humanity. It's similar to fmylife.com and mylifeisaverage.com, but with a sense of positivity and hope. A window to the potential of humanity. A source of inspiration.

Today, some staffers got together and contributed $5 dollars each to a gift card, giving it to starbucks and having them take off $2 of everyone's order, while the card lasted. It seemed like a small gesture, but I guess the issue isn't the magnitude, but the act itself. To the people who contributed, thank you for giving hope.













There's a lot of people in my life who are selfless. Working at the CSA, I see so many people so passionate about volunteering. But the extent of the perspective isn't even the most obvious. Even with SPOP and LTDs, there are so many people who are jsut selfless in their responsibilities, who are so willing to give up their time, their summer, their opportunities elsewhere for the betterment of a general cause, all for nothing on their behalf. In that sense, I feel very lucky and humbled to be in the presense of people who are so willing to give themselves for the service of others.

What does it take to realize that there are heroes by your side. Thanks Rebecca for showing me this site. It's amazing.

Anticipation

Skittles chasing rainbows
The mark of the mundane
apples, xboxes, dolphins, and keys
Tasted. Savored. Swallowed.

My legs are tingling.
I can feel the pumping of the blood through the arteries and veins of my calves.
Excitement ensues as I remember this familiar sensation.
Like soda pop fizzing up my legs.

Vision. The clarity fades.
I begin to see music.
Feel it, enjoying the smells of music
It leaves the flavor of menthol, and it is wonderful

You get the wiggles
Of the eyes, of the hands
You get restless with anticipation
Anticipation

I smoke a cigarette
It was dark and I almost lit the wrong end
All i feel is bass
All I see are northern lights
and magicians manipulating their hands
shamans calling forth blessings.
I love iNovas.
Anticipation.
Wiggles.

You head erupts.
The sensation trickles from your cranium down the spine
Your temples pulsate
your arms get restless
legs still like bubbles
and your mouth smiles
Action. No anticipation.

I smoke a cigarette and chase that magic dragon.

Shedding

It is the 5th of July..yay!

I think there has been a stroke of negativity in my recent blog postings, so with my affinity for balance, here is one more positive.

I think there are always two sides to the coin, and the perception of it is just as important as the actual moment. One focal point of negativity can outshine an entire life's work of greatness and positivity. This begs the question, do you live your life with regret, or do you live your life worrying about living with regret. At this point in my life, I'd take the former, for at least then, you are still living.













You all bear witness to a highly private moment.

I've been struggling with a duopoly that really shouldn't be: of being a positive thinker and being a critical thinker. Too often I've seen these two aspects really counteract each other, especially in SPOP, and it begs the question as to why? I believe that being a positive thinker helps people develop themselves as well as others into being a better person, but I also believe that it is important to be critical and challenge the actions done, the traditions being upheld, and to wonder if actions have intentionality behind it. Though in all this discussion, I do find myself on the side of the "positivity movement" so to say, however, my only critic about critical thinking is just that I feel it's just been all thinking, no action; or that you critically think of a small issue and ignore the bigger picture behind it, or all the other people who are also in need of your attention. I'm still trying to figure out this balance.

But..this is a new day! I've been waking up early these days, mostly because of work. However, it's given me an outlook on my days now, maybe because I see more sunlight, i don't know. But this feels like summertime, and it feels great.

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future. Yes, the past is there to remind us, to help us contextualize where we need to go from where we're coming from. The challenge is to realize the problems of the past are a result of situations in the past, and the situations of the future will rely on circumstances yet to be formed.













I think through this confusing post, as I interject my writing by playing online games, I am declaring a new skin. New ambitions, new goals, new tests and testiments, and hopefully, a chance to change others and to grow in myself. This is summer, and it will be a glorious one.

Free Write 06

I've made a series of posts and I still haven't gotten everything off my mind. It's just that, i haven't been able to pinpoint what exactly that has made an irremovable stain I can't get rid of right now. Tapping my chin, twiddling my thumbs, embarking on a mental journey to no where. Creeping, scratching through my subconscious to find a resolution, only to find the bread crumbs I left earlier. 10 feet before me look the same as 10 feet behind me. North, east, west, south; the compass fails. There are magnates everywhere but no where to attract to.

What am I yearning for, what am I lacking? What am I striving for, beyond paying the bills and standing on my own two feet. I'm not accustomed to performing the bare minimum, and yet, there are no directions to follow. Scribing the instructions of my life, advancing only through trial and error. Two steps forward and three steps back; foregoing the side steps and the up steps the mind fails to comprehend.

Strawberries, blue berries, raspberries, snozberries. Taste the illustrious rainbow. Taste the flavored air. Taste the molecules, the humidity, the vapors of history. I tip the cup and give toast to salvation, a homage to my innocence.













I sneak a drink. Things are best when they are out of reach. The forbidden. The unobtainable. It's truly quite delicious, the object and the act. The crunch of ambrosia to satiate the thirst for the magnificent, to sedate myself to accept the mundane.

Why did the Buddha mediate? Secluding himself from the world to ponder the world. The act of pushing everything out and to just concentrate on your breathing. A mission to escape: the flight of Cortes, the revenge of Montezuma. Sometimes you need to step back and observe, others, you need to charge: guns and swords a blazing.













Loosening the chains, sparking the torch, bearing the mask that allows actions of infamy with the protection of anonymity.

Gunpowder Justice

Feeling the inspiration to read George Orwell books right now.

My biggest contention in accordance to my future is, like many people in my position, what to do with my life right now. It's not so much as finding a job and such, but rather, if the momentum i've carried my life all this time will change, will slow down. College life has been fast pace for me, and I am going to miss it. Oddly enough, I've been having more time now that school is over and I am working 9-5 for the Dean of Students at SPOP. Having a structure is nice, but being use to a more nomadic lifestyle has made this transition a jolting culture shock.













College was a bubble, a small scale in comparison to the majesty of the world. In my time on campus, i've managed to obtain a lot and to really get my roots deep into the university system. Now that the term is over, it is increasingly difficult to uproot and transplant to where I need to go. It is not so much that i am unwilling, it's just the matter that I feel I need to find a focal point to aim at.

In Chinese astrology, there are 5 elements: metal, wood, water, air, fire. In western astrology, there are four: earth, fire, air, water. In both, I am of the fire element; and thinking about it more, it seems to be fitting. Fire has a trait of intensity and focus, what it touches is not only jolted, but consumed and destroyed. But with it is the recklessness of fire. There is no direction. A fire burns where there is fuel, where there is material to feed it. In comparison, it is very much like it's opposition, water. It travels in a certain flow, indiscriminate of the direction, carving it's own objective. However, unlike water, fire is impatient.

I've concluded that I have a very burstful personality. Sure, I contain a sense of composure and serenity, like a candle, but there are moments where I explode. This isn't phrased in a sense of anger, but in action. When I get passionate about something, when there is fuel, I consume it. I try to immerse myself into it, find all the kinks that make work, and try to add my own spin on it.













I'm just searching for that spark right now. SPOP is doing it for me right now, but i'm on the look out after this summer is over. Banking on my luck, or rather, the natural flow of fire to search for it's next fodder, lying on the line of gumpowder, chasing the perpetual barrel. What's next in store?

Two Weeks for Two Days

What a culmination of circumstances, of opportunities, of seeing the fulfilment and fruit of labor. The work of two weeks came into effect in two days, on June 27-28, SPOP weekend training.

Time truly went by much faster than I thought. The whole process seemed like a blur, before I knew it, hours have passed and we've crossed out so much on our agenda. One of the things that surprised me the most was how smoothly things went, even when things weren't going our way. Even through the bumps, the weekend when by, the deed was done, and the summer is officially starting.













At this moment, I couldn't be more proud of the staff. the growth and development the staff has undergone in such a short amount of time is inspiring. I mentioned this during weekend training, but at the sight of it all, i am truly humbled by the people, the experiences, and the potential this program has to offer. Where else can you completely surround yourself with so many amazing and inspirational people, those who both push you and support you. It is moments like these, where I now stare into a sea of royal blue, that I just quiver in the majesty of humanity.


SPOP Royal Color Revealing